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It is sometimes said that a high salary is the most important factor in choosing a job. Do you agree? v.2

It is sometimes said that a high salary is the most important factor in choosing a job. Do you agree? v. 2
It is certainly true that payment is a necessary thing to consider in preferring a line of work, but it is not the most important one. This argument will be proven that a harmonious workplace and love of work are the leading factors in choosing a job. For one, working with people in our job area harmoniously is more significantly weighed in job preference than what a person may earn. For example, I am currently working as an ICU (Intensive Care Unit) nurse in a tertiary level and a private hospital called the Urdaneta Sacred Heart Hospital here in the Philippines, and I have chosen to work in this unit because I have too many companions in the hospital. My workmate, friendship and support for my career growth are things that I considered more important than my earnings every month. So I believe that working in a harmonious environment is more about taking into considerations. In addition to this, loving what we do is as important as working in an habitat harmoniously when choosing an occupation. For instance, I have a strong compassion for other people, especially for the elderly as well as I love touching their lives make a difference, which is nursing is all about. Thus, I preferred to become an ICU nurse. I am also certain that all of the professionals chose their line of occupation because they are happy with what they are actually doing. In conclusion, harmoniously interacting with our co-workers in our work habitat and being satisfied with what we are doing are the most important considerations in selecting a job. It is not the salary. So choose an occupation with a supportive environment and that you are happy to do with.
It is
certainly
true that payment is a necessary thing to consider in preferring a line of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
one. This argument will
be proven
that a harmonious workplace and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
are the leading factors in choosing a job.

For one,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in our job area
harmoniously
is more
significantly
weighed in job preference than what a person may earn.
For example
, I am
currently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
as an ICU (Intensive Care Unit) nurse in a tertiary level and a private hospital called the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Urdaneta
Sacred Heart Hospital here in the Philippines, and I have chosen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in this unit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I have too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
companions in the hospital. My workmate, friendship and support for my career growth are things that I considered more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
than my earnings every month.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in a harmonious environment is more about taking into considerations.

In addition
to this, loving what we do is as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
habitat
harmoniously
when choosing an occupation.
For instance
, I have a strong compassion for other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
for the elderly
as well
as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
touching their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference, which is nursing is all about.
Thus
, I preferred to become an ICU nurse. I am
also
certain that
Consider using "all the".
all of the
professionals chose their line of occupation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are happy with what they are actually doing.

In conclusion
,
harmoniously
interacting with our co-workers in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
habitat and
being satisfied
with what we are doing are the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
considerations in selecting a job. It is not the salary.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
choose an occupation with a supportive environment and that you are happy to do with.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay It is sometimes said that a high salary is the most important factor in choosing a job. Do you agree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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