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Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.14

Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. v. 14
Many people believe that it is critical for using free time to motivate our minds, such as playing puzzle games. However, some of others dispute such claims. In the following paragraphs, there are persuasive reasons for both sides to examine in depth. Firstly, some of friends advocate that civilian need to use leisure hours effectively. For this reason, they prefer to play table games, such as word puzzles, when they are free. Take my friend Tina, for example, even though she is a doctor, really busy every day. However, she insists to do word puzzles in order to fresh her mind every day after work. Moreover, she also invites her family all to join together. From such examples, it demonstrates that there are some people do think that brainstorming is good for their brain and health. Nonetheless, others believe that the brain needs to have a good rest during free moments. Therefore, they would like to spend time to go shopping, talking with friends or sleeping. For instance, a scientist also published an essay that good quality of sleeping could help the body recover from illness. Furthermore, researches show that sleeping could help brains' cells to refresh. Consequently, it can be said that relax your brain doesn't means hurts your body. By contrast, it might be healthier than you imagine. To conclude, there is not to say that doing word puzzles or some activities are totally without merit, nevertheless, I concur to such claims that human beings need to rest their minds in their leisure hours. Hence, I prefer to take rests and sleep in when I'm free, since some of the professors also advocate these claims.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is critical for using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
time to motivate our minds, such as playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
puzzle
games.
However
,
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the others") or simply say "some others".
some of others
dispute such claims. In the following paragraphs, there are persuasive reasons for both sides to examine in depth.

Firstly
,
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the friends") or simply say "some friends".
some of friends
advocate that civilian need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
leisure hours
effectively
.
For this reason
, they prefer to play table games, such as word
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
puzzles
, when they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
. Take my friend Tina,
for example
,
even though
she is a doctor,
really
busy every day.
However
, she
The usual collocation for "insists" is "on" not "to". Did you mean "insists on doing"?
insists to do
word
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
puzzles
in order to fresh her mind every day after work.
Moreover
, she
also
invites her family all to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
together. From such examples, it demonstrates that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that brainstorming is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their brain and health.

Nonetheless, others believe that the brain needs to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
rest during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
moments.
Therefore
, they would like to spend time to go shopping, talking with friends or sleeping.
For instance
, a scientist
also
published an essay that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality of sleeping could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the body recover from illness.
Furthermore
, researches
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that sleeping could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
brains' cells to refresh.
Consequently
, it can
be said
that relax your brain doesn't
The verb 'doesn't' requires base form of this verb: "mean"
means
hurts your body. By contrast, it might be healthier than you imagine.

To conclude
, there is not to say that doing word
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
puzzles
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities are
totally
without merit,
nevertheless
, I concur to such claims that human beings need to rest their minds in their leisure hours.
Hence
, I prefer to take rests and sleep in when I'm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
, since
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
professors
also
advocate these claims.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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