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Some people think that hobbies should be linked with technology, while others believe that it is not necessary for hobbies to be involved with technology. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examp v.2

Some people think that hobbies should be linked with technology, while others believe that it is not necessary for hobbies to be involved with technology. 2
Technology has an unprecedented presence in people’s daily life. This essay thus first aims to investigate wherein some people believe relating hobbies and technology is essential; thereafter, it examines why others think the contrariwise, followed by my opinion regarding this matter. One reason that some millennials believe necessitates a linkage between hobbies and technology can be illustrated as the latter’s practicality. These days, almost everything is done by using computers and gadgets and thereby if the masses use them more often, especially during their leisure time as a hobby, their tech knowledge will be elevated, allowing them to increase their computer proficiency, which in turn helps them to accomplish day-to-day tasks faster and more conveniently. Statistics within a study done by the Yale University in 2017, for example, showed that 88 percent of people who frequently use their computer or smartphone for entertainment is able to finish tasks much faster than others. However, another notion begs the differ. Another angle on this debate suggests hobbies should not necessarily involve technology because there are other important skills that are vital to life. People need skills such as social competency that cannot be gained through technology and therefore they should invest their time to interact with others via face-to-face conversation whereby they can develop their inter-personal abilities. A psychology article by John Abbey, an accomplished psychologist, for instance, showed that an overwhelming majority of individuals who spend most of their free time around technological gadgets find it difficult to befriend with their colleagues. This demonstrates that investing too much time on modern gadgets endangers people’s social life. All in all, even though using technology on a regular basis is helpful to increase one’s computer literacy, I tend to agree with those who think there are other vital skills in life that cannot be acquired through this method and thus hobbies should not only revolve around technology.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
has an unprecedented presence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
daily life. This essay
thus
first
aims to investigate wherein
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe relating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is essential; thereafter, it examines why others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the contrariwise, followed by my opinion regarding this matter.

One reason that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
millennials believe necessitates a linkage between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can
be illustrated
as the latter’s practicality. These days, almost everything
is done
by using computers and gadgets and thereby if the masses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
,
especially
during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
, their tech knowledge will
be elevated
, allowing them to increase their computer proficiency, which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to accomplish day-to-day tasks faster and more
conveniently
. Statistics within a study done by the Yale University in 2017,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 88 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their computer or smartphone for entertainment is able to finish tasks much faster than others.
However
, another notion begs
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'differ' is correct. If 'differ' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the differ
.

Another angle on this debate suggests
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
should not
necessarily
involve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that are vital to life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as social competency that cannot
be gained
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and
therefore
they should invest their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to interact with others via face-to-face conversation whereby they can develop their inter-personal abilities. A psychology article by John Abbey, an accomplished psychologist,
for instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that an overwhelming majority of individuals who spend most of their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
around technological gadgets find it difficult to befriend with their colleagues. This demonstrates that investing too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on modern gadgets endangers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
social life.

All in all,
even though
using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
on a regular basis is helpful to increase one’s computer literacy, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
vital
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in life that cannot
be acquired
through this method and
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
revolve around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that hobbies should be linked with technology, while others believe that it is not necessary for hobbies to be involved with technology. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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