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Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier stage. Do you agree or disagree? v.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier stage. v. 5
Many people believe that having a fixed retirement age for all occupations are unfair because some profession be supposed to pension at a prior stage. However, others said that the equality principle must be adopted for this case. I personally believe that the superannuated age must be set particularly for every position. Firstly, some vocation need rigorous physical stamina for completing this job. In addition, higher target also waiting to all of the employee instead of longer hours activity, which is quit difficult to be repeated in the older age. For instance, I have a counterpart in Pertamina who does not have sufficient stamina for complete all of the job precisely. Undoubtedly, seniors always related to easily infected to some disease due to no longer have good antibody. Therefore, superannuated age will be useful to adopt for every position because some of the employee lost their strength after worked for more than 20 years. Furthermore, work not only involve physical, but also mental and concentration. Some profession such as driver, air trafficking and miners need excessive concentration. Obviously, driver need some concentration because the situation in the network of roads can change dramatically. Generally, air trafficking also need adequate concentration as a consequent of the job which occur real time. Particularly, miners also need good mentality because live in rural areas is full of unexpected difficulty. Due to the reasons above, I think all the retirement age must be classified based on the profession. In conclusion, there are some certain occupation which need more energy as a result of the need of physical, mental and concentration. I personally agree that set the pension years regardless of employment is unfair.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for all occupations are unfair
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
profession
be supposed
to pension at a prior stage.
However
, others said that the equality principle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be adopted
for this case. I
personally
believe that the superannuated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be set
particularly
for every position.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vocation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
rigorous physical stamina for completing this job.
In addition
, higher target
also
waiting to
Consider using "all the".
all of the
employee
instead
of longer
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "hours'" or "hour's"?
hours
activity, which
is quit
difficult to
be repeated
in the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
For instance
, I have a counterpart in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pertamina
who does not have sufficient stamina for complete
Consider using "all the".
all of the
job
precisely
.
Undoubtedly
, seniors always related to
easily
infected to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disease due to no longer have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
antibody.
Therefore
, superannuated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
will be useful to adopt for every position
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
employee lost their strength after worked for more than 20 years.

Furthermore
, work not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
involve physical,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
mental and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentration
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
profession such as driver, air trafficking and miners
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentration
.
Obviously
, driver
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the situation in the network of roads can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
dramatically
.
Generally
, air trafficking
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentration
as a consequent of the job which occur real time.
Particularly
, miners
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mentality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in rural areas is full of unexpected difficulty. Due to the reasons above, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
all the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be classified
based on the profession.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
certain occupation which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
more energy
as a result
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of physical, mental and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentration
. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that set the pension years regardless of employment is unfair.
19Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier stage. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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