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Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workes deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v.13

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workes deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v. 13
A standard age to conclude definitely the labour period (65 for example) is considered unfair for certain demographics of society, because they think that some profesions have the right to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. However, I do not agree with that, for the reason that the health has had several advances in the last two decades. Hence, a person with is 65 years still looks like very good and they can be a great help to the workplace. Nowadays, population in developed countries is majority elder. Therefore, governments spend many resources to support the health of this group of individuals. The retirement is not always a good option for who have spent their entire life in a workplace, rather this situation could create more psychological problems. In fact, the end of a labour era, cause in some cases depressions, as a result that these workers do not know what doing with their time, because their life was the job. In my opinion, all kinds of workers, independent of their gender, ought have the same pension. For instance, currently in Chile, the individuals that belong to the army have earlier retire. This situation is unfair, because I consider that these sorts of jobs do not have a great contribution to society. Another case is the women, they in this country finish their labour world with 60 years, which is not fair, because nowadays we fight for the equality for men and women, so the correction is that everyone would have their pension at the same time. In conclusion, a group of the population considers that retirement should be different for some works. But I do not agree for the reason that the work is part essential of the one person, so if decrease the age, probably, would be an economic problem for the government and perhaps a trouble for our health.
A standard age
to conclude
definitely the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
period (65
for example
)
is considered
unfair for certain demographics of society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
profesions
have the right to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that, for the reason that the health has had several advances in the last two decades.
Hence
, a person with is 65 years
still
looks like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
good and
they can be a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to the workplace.

Nowadays, population in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
is majority elder.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
resources to support the health of this group of individuals. The retirement is not always a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
option for
Did you mean "whom"?
who
have spent their entire life in a workplace,
rather
this situation could create more psychological problems. In fact, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of a
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
era, cause in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases depressions,
as a result
that these workers do not know what doing with their time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their life was the job.

In my opinion, all kinds of workers, independent of their gender,
Did you mean "ought to have"?
ought have
the same pension.
For instance
,
currently
in Chile, the individuals that belong to the army have earlier
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "retired".
retire
. This situation is unfair,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I consider that these sorts of jobs do not have a great contribution to society. Another case is the women, they in this country finish their
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
world with 60 years, which is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nowadays we fight for the equality for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the correction is that everyone would have their pension at the same time.

In conclusion
, a group of the population considers that retirement should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
works.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
for the reason that the work is part essential of the one person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if decrease the age,
probably
, would be an economic problem for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and perhaps a trouble for our health.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
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Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workes deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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