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Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their (13 to 19 year-old) teenage children. v.2

Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their (13 to 19 year-old) teenage children. v. 2
Parents are in most cases our first teachers and friends. From my everyday experience, I have to agree with the statement that important decisions should be made by our parents or adult relatives. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support this statement. First of all, teenage children have the tendency to live in their own fantasies. They do not clearly understand the rules of a real life. When I was 18 years old I thought that the world was perfect and everything seemed to be simple. Teenagers are basically inexperienced, they aspire for independence and try to make their first steps towards freedom. I think that it is like starting to walk when a baby needs its parents for support. An independent life is a big and significant part in a person's life. So, my point is that it is very important to make this step right. Second of all, I think that parents have right to interfere in their children's lives. They need to know what kind of friends their children have and how children spend their spare time. For example, I had an eighteen years old friend who got really angry with his parents when they prohibited him from being a friend of a young man. Somehow his parents found out that that young man was occasionally taking drugs. That man was dead in a year because of drug abuse. After that accident, my friend thanked his parents for that interference. Finally, I think teenage children should be more open-minded with their parents. It will help them to make the right choice and avoid many mistakes. To sum up, I believe that young people should trust their parents because they wish their children only the best.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
are
in most cases
our
first
teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. From my everyday experience, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions should
be made
by our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or adult relatives. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support this statement.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have the tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
fantasies. They do not
clearly
understand the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
of a real life. When I was 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that the world was perfect and everything seemed to be simple.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
are
basically
inexperienced, they aspire for independence and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
first
steps towards freedom. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is like starting to walk when a baby needs its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for support. An independent life is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
and significant part in a person's life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, my point is that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this step right.

Second of all, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have right to interfere in their children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. They need to know what kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have and how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their spare time.
For example
, I had an eighteen years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
The extreme adjective for angry is "furious".
really angry
with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
when they prohibited him from being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
of a young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
. Somehow his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
found out that that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
was
occasionally
taking drugs. That
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
was dead in a year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of drug abuse. After that accident, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
thanked his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for that interference.
Finally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be more open-minded with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the right choice and avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mistakes.

To sum up, I believe that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should trust their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they wish their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the best.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their (13 to 19 year-old) teenage children. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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