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Some people think that government should not spend money on sports stadium and building theatres. Instead it should spend more money on education. Do you agree or disagree v.2

Some people think that government should not spend money on sports stadium and building theatres. Instead it should spend more money on education. v. 2
Many people argue that instead of wasting money on building theatres and sports medium, the government should allocate this money to educate people. I agree with this statement because education is indispensable for our life and it also helps to develop the nation. First, education is the necessities of human life. And many impoverished people, who cannot afford studies, send their children to work for minimum wages. And so, investing money to educate these people helps in reducing child labour. For instance, orphan children all over the country are despairing to study which should be taken care of by the government. Furthermore, education improves the quality of the life of the person. If one person of the family is educated, it improves the quality of the whole family. For example, when the cobbler’s son becomes a doctor, the whole family is rejoiced and respected for one person’s profession. For the above reasons, education is more important than any other thing. Besides, constant development in the education system is essential to improve the country and so the government should spend money on it. To compete with the other nations, the citizens of the nation should be educated. That is, the development of the nation is not only based on the revenue of the country, but also the literacy rate of citizens. Educating people also increases the economy of the country, too. When more people are educated, it is easier to innovate new technology which then increases the economy. For example, if a new technology is patented, organizations from all over the world would give away money to use the technology eventually the economy of the country is improved. On the whole, expending the money on education is a win-win situation. To conclude, education is a necessity, and it also helps in the growth of the country. So it is crucial to contribute money on the studies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
instead
of wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on building
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
and sports medium, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should allocate this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is indispensable for our life and it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop the nation.

First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is the necessities of human life. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
impoverished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who cannot afford studies,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children to work for minimum wages. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to educate these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
helps
in reducing child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
.
For instance
, orphan children all over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
are despairing to study which should
be taken
care of by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the quality of the life of the person. If one person of the family
is educated
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the quality of the whole family.
For example
, when the cobbler’s son becomes a doctor, the whole family
is rejoiced
and respected for one person’s profession. For the above reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than any other thing.

Besides
, constant development in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system is essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on it. To compete with the other nations, the citizens of the nation should
be educated
.
That is
, the development of the nation is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
based on the revenue of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the literacy rate of citizens. Educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
increases the economy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, too. When more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are educated
, it is easier to innovate new technology which then increases the economy.
For example
, if a new technology
is patented
, organizations from all over the world would give away
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the technology
eventually
the economy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
.
On the whole
, expending the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is a win-win situation.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is a necessity, and it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in the growth of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is crucial to contribute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the studies.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people think that government should not spend money on sports stadium and building theatres. Instead it should spend more money on education. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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