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Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports, such as sky diving and rock climbing. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports, such as sky diving and rock climbing. v. 1
A vast majority of people believe that regime should ban sports which are lethal for the individuals, such as bungee jumping, mountain climbing. This essay disagrees with the given perspective because these are adventurous games and furthermore, provide courage to overcome the phobia of height, water. To commence with, there are lots of thrill and adventure associated with dangerous sports activities. Since our youth has innate desire to explore the world, and want to experience all the dangers, therefore they indulge themselves in the games which can even prove fatal. For instance, a recent study reveals that these days popularity of sports which may even result in physical disabilities, has increased about 80 percent more in comparison to the past because of thrilling and exciting experience. This way people often take part in such activities in order to face the dangers of life. However, there is one advantage of these sports despite the dangers involved. If an individual takes participation in any of the lethal activities, such as river rafting, scuba diving, and many more, then they will be able to come out of the fear of altitude, water. To cite an example, there are lots of famous celebrities who were initially not able to cope up with the risks of life like Paragliding, but they achieved victory over their terrifying dreams. To elucidate, although these sports are in association with risks, help in overcoming certain thunders of the life. In conclusion, while it is true that sports such as rock climbing have danger inextricably linked with them, the government should not ban these. I think that these games act as a wonderful recreational activity for the youngsters as well as instills a feeling of courage and dedication in them. It would be wise to put some restrictions, but complete abolishment is not appropriate.
A vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that regime should ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which are lethal for the individuals, such as bungee jumping, mountain climbing. This essay disagrees with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
perspective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these are adventurous games and
furthermore
, provide courage to overcome the phobia of height, water.

To commence with, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun thrill seems to be countable; consider using: "lots of thrills".
lots of thrill
and adventure associated with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Since our youth has innate desire to explore the world, and want to experience all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangers
,
therefore
they indulge themselves in the games which can even prove fatal.
For instance
, a recent study reveals that these
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which may even result in physical disabilities, has increased about 80 percent more
in comparison
to the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of thrilling and exciting experience. This way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order to face the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangers
of life.

However
, there is one advantage of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
despite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangers
involved. If an individual takes participation in any of the lethal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, such as river rafting, scuba diving, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more, then they will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out of the fear of altitude, water. To cite an example, there are lots of
Consider using "celebrities".
famous celebrities
who were
initially
not able to cope up with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of life like Paragliding,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they achieved victory over their terrifying dreams. To elucidate, although these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are in association with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in overcoming certain thunders of the life.

In conclusion
, while it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as rock climbing have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
danger
inextricably
linked with them, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not ban these. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these games act as a wonderful recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
for the youngsters
as well
as instills a feeling of courage and dedication in them. It would be wise to put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restrictions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
complete abolishment is not appropriate.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports, such as sky diving and rock climbing. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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