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People try new dangerous sports such as sky-diving or rock climbing. Should such sports be banned? v.2

People try new dangerous sports such as sky-diving or rock climbing. Should such sports be banned? v. 2
Games are considered as the most suitable to remain physically and mentally fit. However, from the last few years, people have had initiated playing few treacherous (risky, dangerous, hazardous) sports, for instance sky-diving or rock-climbing. In my opinion, Government should regulate such sports so as to avoid risks and accidents. It is refutable, that Government ban such sports because these sports add thrill to people’s life. They play such games to enjoy and increase their enthusiasm and self-confidence. These activities make them tough psychologically too. For instance, activities like rock-climbing improves climber’s stamina and they learn how to act in tough situations as they need to take speedy decision at each moment. At any rate, putting a ban will force them to perform “it in private that will” further enhance the risk of injuries or even death. Also they would not be able to get any help in case of any emergency. On the contrary, Government must take several measures to reduce the risks associated with such sports. At the first instance, it must be obligatory to attend some training sessions and attain certificates of completion before taking part in dangerous sports. Experts from these academies guide people to use various tactics to avoid any catastrophic incidents. Furthermore, performers should take support from the trainers while playing the games. They can help people enjoy the activities in best possible manner with least risk. To put it in a nutshell, banning the dangerous sports sill not act as a possible solution. Rather, administration can make it compulsory for people to fulfill their relevant training, also netizens must enjoy the games in presence of experts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
are considered
as the most suitable to remain
physically
and mentally fit.
However
, from the last few years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have had initiated playing few treacherous (risky,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
, hazardous)
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
for instance
sky-diving or rock-climbing. In my opinion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should regulate such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
avoid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and accidents.

It is refutable, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
ban such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
thrill to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life. They play such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to enjoy and increase their enthusiasm and self-confidence. These activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them tough
psychologically
too.
For instance
, activities like rock-climbing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
climber’s
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
stamina and
they learn how to act in tough situations as they need to take speedy decision at each moment. At any rate, putting a ban will force them to perform “it in private that will”
further
enhance the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of injuries or even death.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they would not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in case of any emergency.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take several measures to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
associated with such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. At the
first
instance, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be obligatory to attend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
training sessions and attain certificates of completion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
taking part in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Experts from these academies guide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
various tactics to avoid any catastrophic incidents.
Furthermore
, performers should take support from the trainers while playing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy the activities
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the best".
in best
possible manner with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.

To put it in a nutshell, banning the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
sill not act as a possible solution.
Rather
, administration can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it compulsory for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to fulfill their relevant training,
also
netizens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in presence of experts.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay People try new dangerous sports such as sky-diving or rock climbing. Should such sports be banned? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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