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Some people think that government is wasting money in the arts. And this money can be spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Some people think that government is wasting money in the arts. And this money can be spent elsewhere. v. 1
In present throat-cut competitive corporate industry, the recruiting managers are hiring the multi-talented employees who can represent them globally. So, many people believe that performing best in the interview is a fine way to get a job. However, in this essay I discuss why everlasting initial impression is extremely crucial. Firstly, in such ever changing materialistic and demanding world, one’s attitude and behaviour really matter. For instance, in a post interview recruiting manager at the beginning focuses on applicant’s appearance and body language. Furthermore, numerous survey has shown that the individuals who are dressed up formally and take care of their looks always leave a positive vibe. Nevertheless, the doors could be open to many possibilities by the good foremost impact. Secondly, despite the mistakes could be rectified, but not everyone gets a next chance in life. For instance, in many job recruitment, the HR manager open another vacancy, if they don’t find the right person they rarely give chance to unsuccessful interviewed candidates. However, life is unpredictable, and it is better to do our best at first instance, as we may have to work very hard till the next opportunity comes. To conclude, I stand firmly, in my opinion that giving the best first impression in an interview is vital to get a job. As because this assured them that they have chosen the right person. At the end of the day it could add a fortune in one’s career. In the other word you never get a second chance to make an original influence.
In present throat-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
competitive corporate industry, the recruiting managers are hiring the multi-talented employees who can represent them globally.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that performing best in the interview is a fine way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job.
However
, in this essay I discuss why everlasting initial impression is
extremely
crucial.

Firstly
, in such
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ever changing
materialistic and demanding world, one’s attitude and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
really
matter.
For instance
, in a post interview recruiting manager at the beginning focuses on applicant’s appearance and body language.
Furthermore
, numerous survey has shown that the individuals who
are dressed
up
formally
and take care of their looks always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
vibe.
Nevertheless
, the doors could be open to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
possibilities by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
foremost impact.

Secondly
, despite the mistakes could
be rectified
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a
next
chance in life.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
job recruitment, the HR manager open another vacancy, if they don’t find the right person they rarely give chance to unsuccessful interviewed candidates.
However
, life is unpredictable, and it is better to do our best at
first
instance, as we may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
till the
next
opportunity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
.

To conclude
, I stand
firmly
, in my opinion that giving the best
first
impression in an interview is vital to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this assured them that they have chosen the right person. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
a fortune in one’s career. In the other word you never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a second chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an original influence.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people think that government is wasting money in the arts. And this money can be spent elsewhere. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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