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Some people think that formal education should start for children as early as posssible, while others think that it should not start until 7 years of age. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that formal education should start for children as early as posssible, while others think that it should not start until 7 years of age. v. 1
Some people believe that formal study is necessary for children at younger ages while others have an opposite view that it should not initiate until 7 years old. It is obvious that new generation becoming more and more smarter than the past and their ability to get new information and educate new subject increase dramatically. I think an early commencement of study would be more beneficial and vital than a later start. On the one hand, some people hold the view that young children should start learning formal education as soon as possible in order to some reason. Firstly due to the fact that new generations have been growing in modern and technological circumstance in compare of past decades their brain are sharp and more active. For instance, there are many gadgets and media's that technology brings children to their house so kids have a chance to see and experience and learn basic knowledge from their birth so They can prepare for school at younger ages. Secondly starting school early has a positive and significant impact on their profession and educational future. On the other hands, other hold the opinion that sending children to school before age 7 may have negative effects on their mind. If kids and toddlers begin that sooner, they will lose their interest in studies and get bored and tired. In other words, they believe children need playing and recreation at that time of their life to rise their creativity. Furthermore there is an opportunity for children to spend their time with family and learn Some more vital subject like love and care. To conclude, although, views differ about starting formal education before the age of 7. I believe that it's appropriate and beneficial for children to initiate school at younger ages because of their intelligence and today development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that formal study is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
while others have an opposite view that it should not initiate until 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. It is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation becoming more and
Use only "smarter" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more smarter
than the past and their ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
information and educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
subject increase
dramatically
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
an early commencement of study would be more beneficial and vital than a later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold the view that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning formal education as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible in order to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason.
Firstly
due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generations have been growing in modern and technological circumstance in compare of past decades their brain are sharp and more active.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
gadgets and media's that technology brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
kids have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and experience and learn basic knowledge from their birth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
They can prepare for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
Secondly
starting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
early has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and significant impact on their profession and educational future.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hands,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hold the opinion that sending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
7 may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their mind. If kids and toddlers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
that sooner, they will lose their interest in studies and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored and tired. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need playing and recreation at that time of their life to rise their creativity.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
there is an opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend their time with family and learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
more vital subject like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and care.

To conclude
, although, views differ about starting formal education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 7. I believe that it's appropriate and beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to initiate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their intelligence and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
development.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that formal education should start for children as early as posssible, while others think that it should not start until 7 years of age. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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