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Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. However, Other people think that friends are the most important influence in young adults. v.4

Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. However, Other people think that friends are the most important influence in young adults. v. 4
You meet a lot of people during your life and you learn a variety of things like their ideas and opinion. This begins from the first moment you were born and it lasts until the very ending seconds of your journey in this world. However, some of those people have made more influence on you than others. I believe that friends and families can have equal impression on somebody because of the reasons I discuss below. Personally, when a child comes to this life its parents are the very first individuals that he or she meets. Parents provide the baby child with its basic needs and the baby starts to learn the first rules in this world from them. So, an infant is so much affected by its family. As the child grows and begins to understand more perspectives from its surrounding environment, the child feels the need to be connected to other people and this matter is being intensified when he or she reaches its school time where it should learn more about social communities which increase its friends share of influence in a young adult. On the other hand, when this person got to its adulthood beginning something around the age of 16 to 18, this person feels a necessity to find a balance between its parents and friends to cope with the situations he or she confronts in every day ordinary life. Therefore, it is the person’s responsibility to know what is beneficial for him or her to learn from them. In conclusion, a human can experience different affections during its long life in this planet. Sometimes these effects could be from his or her own parents and in some other cases it may affect him or her from his or her friends’ side.
You
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
during your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a variety of things like their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and opinion. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
from the
first
moment you
were born
and it lasts until the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
ending seconds of your journey in this world.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have made more influence on you than others. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and families can have equal impression on somebody
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons I discuss below.

Personally
, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
individuals that he or she meets.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
provide the baby
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
with its basic needs and the baby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
in this world from them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, an infant is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by its family.

As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
grows and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
to understand more perspectives from its surrounding environment, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
feels the need to
be connected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and this matter is
being intensified
when he or she reaches its school
It is better to use 'time' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "time when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
time where
it should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more about social communities which increase its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
share of influence in a young adult.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, when this person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
to its adulthood beginning something around the age of 16 to 18, this person feels a necessity to find a balance between its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
to cope with the situations he or she confronts
Did you mean "in everyday"?
in every day
ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
, it is the person’s responsibility to know what is beneficial for him or her to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
from them.

In conclusion
, a human can experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
affections during its long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in this planet.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
these effects could be from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cases it may affect him or her from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends’
side.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. However, Other people think that friends are the most important influence in young adults. v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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