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some people think that family has the most important influence on children's development. while others believe that factored such as TV friends music and books have more significant impact. discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

some people think that family has the most important influence on children's development. while others believe that factored such as TV friends music and books have more significant impact. v. 1
It is acknowledge that today' s children are the leaders of tomorrow. Presently, some people think that a family impact on children' s development is more than the other factors. Beside this, other says that TV, friends, music and books play magnificent role in children' s growth. Here, I would like to account both the view points with my own perception. There are manifold points to support the former view. First and foremost, children learn moral and ethics value with the help of their parents. For example, a children can learn more with the surrounding embience of their family such as how to talk, how to walk, how to behave with others and many other things. Beside this, parents and grandparents always try to tell them about the good and bad things and they can nourish their offspring by giving higher education. Thus, the role of family in juvenile' s development is imperative. On the other side, people have conflicting views. They think that, nowadays, Tv and other factors has huge influence on adolescent' s growth. To be specific, parents have hectic schedule and in the absence of parents children like to reduce their monotonous by watching programs on television and play with friends so more time with friends and television put more impact on kids development. Apart from it, modern juveniles do not like to listen stories from their elders they love to read colorful books. Therefore, children learn more with the help of these factors. To recapitulate, Undeniably, the role of other factors in children development can never be neglected. However, still I believe that a good development of children can not be imagine without parents.
It is
Consider using a past participle here: "acknowledged".
acknowledge
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are the leaders of tomorrow.
Presently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a family impact on
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is more than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors. Beside this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
says that TV, friends, music and books play magnificent role in
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s growth. Here, I would like to account both the view points with my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perception.

There are manifold points to support the former view.
First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn moral and ethics value with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn more with the surrounding
Possible spelling mistake found.
embience
of their family such as how to talk, how to walk, how to behave with others and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things. Beside this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and grandparents always try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
things and
they can nourish their offspring by giving higher education.
Thus
, the role of family in
Possible spelling mistake found.
juvenile&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is imperative. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have conflicting views.

They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that, nowadays,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tv
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors has huge influence on
Possible spelling mistake found.
adolescent&
#039; s growth. To be specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have hectic schedule and in the absence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their monotonous by watching programs on television and play with friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more time with friends and television put more impact on kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. Apart from it, modern juveniles do not like to listen stories from their elders they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to read colorful books.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn more with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of these factors.

To recapitulate,
Undeniably
, the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
can never
be neglected
.
However
,
still
I believe that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can not be
Consider using a past participle here: "imagined".
imagine
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay some people think that family has the most important influence on children's development. while others believe that factored such as TV friends music and books have more significant impact. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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