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Some people think that family has the most important influence on children’s development, while others believe that factors such as TV, friends, music and books have a more significant impact. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that family has the most important influence on children’s development, while others believe that factors such as TV, friends, music and books have a more significant impact. v. 1
Although the family is thought by some to be a pivotal factor in rearing the children, others claim that TV, friends, music, and even book are the integral parts of upbringing. In my opinion, families play a crucial role, having said this, overlooking the massive impact of other items is nothing but idiocy. Minors indeed spend excessive time in their family environment; thus, they indubitably imbibe their parents or even their siblings’ behaviour. To clarify more, most people garner their fundamental traits through their nuclear families. For example, hardly can one hear that a juvenile offender brought up in a fully functional, tranquil family, or the close relatives of the obese youngster have a healthy, sensible diet. Therefore, the necessary characteristics and habits imprint via parental nurture. On the other hand, some individuals state that there are many aspects rather than family, which have an influence on the children’s personality and development. To illustrate more, some cartoons or books included loads of vicious events and immoral ramifications, which in turn, overshadow the offspring mortality. Moreover, the means of games in which children involved are very noteworthy, on account of such digital playing and the enormous sight of the screen can erode the mental improvement and decay eyes. In conclusion, I reaffirm that not only the family is indispensable for both the mental and personal development of minors, but also other factors like books, friends, TV and so on have a vital effect on their careers. Thereby, these items will be capable to pale the child-rearing of the family into insignificance if parents believe that kids set them aside.
Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to be a pivotal factor in rearing the children, others claim that TV, friends, music, and even book are the integral parts of upbringing. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
play a crucial role, having said this, overlooking the massive impact of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
items is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
idiocy.

Minors
indeed
spend excessive time in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
environment;
thus
, they
indubitably
imbibe their parents or even their siblings’
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. To clarify more, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
garner their fundamental traits through their nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
For example
, hardly can one hear that a juvenile offender brought up in a
fully
functional, tranquil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, or the close relatives of the obese youngster have a healthy, sensible diet.
Therefore
, the necessary characteristics and habits imprint via parental nurture.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals state that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, which have an influence on the children’s personality and development. To illustrate more,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cartoons or books included loads of vicious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and immoral ramifications, which in turn, overshadow the offspring mortality.
Moreover
, the means of games in which children involved are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
noteworthy, on account of such digital playing and the enormous sight of the screen can erode the mental improvement and decay eyes.

In conclusion
, I reaffirm that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is indispensable for both the mental and personal development of minors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors like books, friends, TV and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on have a vital effect on their careers. Thereby, these items will be capable to pale the child-rearing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
into insignificance if parents believe that kids set them aside.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people think that family has the most important influence on children’s development, while others believe that factors such as TV, friends, music and books have a more significant impact. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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