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Some people think that computer should be made as fourth skill in education. To what extent do you agree? v.2

Some people think that computer should be made as fourth skill in education. v. 2
Nowadays computer is considered as an essential skill. Therefore, many people believe that computer ought to be made as required in the study. I agree with the given statement to a large extent. My opinion is justified in below ensuring paragraph. To begin with, The digitalisation has been increasingly popular recently. Many industries and the government sectors utilize it efficiently. The industries are preferred to store data in computer software instead of maintaining paper work. It allows them to find the history of any document easily. Also, the government inspire to use online applications for fast processing and maintain transparency. Therefore, the government has launched the different portals to apply for public sector job, immigration application and scholarship. Thus, considering these type of changes, it is really necessary for an individual to have the computer knowledge. On the other side, I cannot ignore those citizens who will rarely need computer skills. For example, someone is working as a plumber, driver, electrician or doing any kind of blue collar job will not require to interact with computer software. Also, the government provides the facilities for those who don't have knowledge on filling the online forms. The government employees will assist and fill up the form on behalf of those people. Hence, it is not always useful to have computer skills in an individual. In conclusion, it can be said that computer skills are not considered as required but good to have skills. So, in my opinion, it should be taught as an optional subject and who wish to increase their knowledge in computer can attend those classes.
Nowadays computer
is considered
as an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that computer ought to
be made
as required in the study. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement to a large extent. My opinion
is justified
in below ensuring paragraph.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, The
Possible spelling mistake. 'digitalisation' is British English.
digitalisation
has been
increasingly
popular recently.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
industries and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
sectors utilize it
efficiently
. The industries
are preferred
to store data in computer software
instead
of maintaining paper work. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to find the history of any document
easily
.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
inspire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
online applications for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
processing and maintain transparency.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has launched the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
portals to apply for public sector job, immigration application and scholarship.
Thus
, considering these type of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
, it is
really
necessary for an individual to have the computer knowledge.

On the other side, I cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
those citizens who will rarely need computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
For example
, someone is working as a plumber, driver, electrician or doing any kind of blue collar job will not require
Did you mean "interacting"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to interact
with computer software.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
provides the facilities for those who don't have knowledge on filling the online forms. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
employees will assist and fill up the form on behalf of those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Hence
, it is not always useful to have computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in an individual.

In conclusion
, it can
be said
that computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are not considered as required
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in my opinion, it should
be taught
as an optional subject and who wish to increase their knowledge in computer can attend those classes.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that computer should be made as fourth skill in education. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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