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Some people think that children who spend alot of time reading children s story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people think that children who spend alot of time reading children s story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities v. 1
Ever since fast food has come in the market sector, obesity among children rose drastically. According to some people, parents are responsible for obesity, others, however, believe that the government has a big impact on the rising obesity among children. In my view both are responsible. To begin with, there is a plethora of reasons why parents are responsible for rising obesity. First and foremost, a lot of parents are uneducated; hence, they are oblivious about nutrition, that is why they feed their children whatever feel or think is good for them, as a result, most. For instance, there is a plethora of fast food shops who often tempt children to eat, thus most parents go along with children and eat, in order to make their children happy. On the other hand, the government is also accountable because they have authorities to ban fast foods or any food which has an enormous amount of fat content. For instance, there are multiple harmful oils' brands which people import from different countries, these should be banned, as well as the government ought to facilitate healthier oils to serve in cooking. The local governments need to encourage people to consume food which has less contained fat. Therefore, some people consider that the government is also responsible towards in the rising percentage of obesity in young children. To sum up, I would say that it is not solely the parents' responsibility, to some extent, the government's reluctant behaviour is accountable too in increasing obesity among children.
Ever since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
in the market sector, obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rose
drastically
. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for obesity, others,
however
, believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
impact on the rising obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In my view both are responsible.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there is a plethora of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for rising obesity.
First
and foremost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are uneducated
;
hence
, they are oblivious about nutrition,
that is
why they feed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whatever feel or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them,
as a result
, most.
For instance
, there is a plethora of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
shops who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tempt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to eat,
thus
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
go along with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and eat, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
happy.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is
also
accountable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have authorities to ban
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which has an enormous amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
content.
For instance
, there are multiple harmful oils' brands which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
import from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries, these should
be banned
,
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
ought to facilitate healthier oils to serve in cooking.

The local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
need to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to consume
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which has less contained
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is
also
responsible towards in the rising percentage of obesity in young children.

To sum up, I would say that it is not
solely
the parents' responsibility, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's reluctant
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is accountable too in increasing obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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IELTS essay Some people think that children who spend alot of time reading children s story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
252 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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