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Some people think that children should study formal learning at school as young as possible. Others believe they should not go to school until they are at least 7. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that children should study formal learning at school as young as possible. Others believe they should not go to school until they are at least 7. v. 2
There is a school of thoughts that believes that children should stay at home before seven years old. While reasons can be given to justify this, I content that children should go to school as soon as possible. On the one hand, It is undeniable that parents usually take their off-springs to school very soon. After conceiving a baby, the mother has 6 months leave to take care of her children. After that, they immediately have to come back with their work. Therefore, it is compulsory that parents must find a nanny to look after their children. However, when progenies are around 2 or 3, parents opt for taking them to day-care center in order to provide them opportunities to develop themselves. On the other hand, if children stay at home until they turn to 7, they could be lagged in the class because of having no chance to approach the developments of the updated teaching methods. Sending children to kindergartens from the fist stage of their life could afford them opportunities to make friends and learn other things from their peers. Take English skills as an example. In present days, children start learning English since they were little. They improve their English day in day out through playing games, communicating with foreign teachers and learning with their peers. This have positive results in learning English actively. In conclusion, because of the reasons I mentioned above. I firmly hold the view that children should go to school as young as possible.
There is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
of thoughts that believes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should stay at home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
seven years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. While reasons can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to justify this, I content that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.

On the one hand, It is undeniable that parents
usually
take their off-springs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
. After conceiving a baby, the mother has 6 months
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
to take care of her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. After that, they immediately
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back with their work.
Therefore
, it is compulsory that parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
find a nanny to look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, when
Possible spelling mistake found.
progenies
are around 2 or 3, parents opt for taking them to day-care center in order to provide them opportunities to develop themselves.

On the other hand
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
stay at home until they turn to 7, they could
be lagged
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of having no chance to approach the developments of the updated teaching methods. Sending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to kindergartens from the fist stage of their life could afford them opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends and learn other things from their peers. Take English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as an example. In present days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning English since they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their English day in day out through playing games, communicating with foreign teachers and learning with their peers.
The verb 'have' is plural. Did you mean: "This has"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
results in learning English
actively
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons I mentioned above. I
firmly
hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as young as possible.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children should study formal learning at school as young as possible. Others believe they should not go to school until they are at least 7. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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