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Some people think that children should start primary school later in life, others say that they should start it before 7. Discuss both views, giving your own opinion. v.3

Some people think that children should start primary school later in life, others say that they should start it before 7. v. 3
Some people believe that the primary education for children should be introduced much later in their life, whereas, others believe that the child should get admitted into school before he turns seven years old. In my essay, I would discuss both the viewpoints before reaching a conclusion. On the one hand, it is often believed that enrolling a young kid into formal education system, would suppress his individuality and distance him from his family. At this age, they tend to absorb knowledge from the practical experiences, early schooling would impose them with theoretical knowledge and detach them from learning from their own experiences. In some cases, young ones also get disconnected from their parents and do not establish the necessary emotional bond. For example, in this fast-paced world, parents leave their offspring in Montessori, which has proven to affect their growth emotionally. On the other hand, some people think that children who start their schooling before turning seven often become more successful and socially adaptable. A child’s mind is tender and his character is shaped from the teaching, he receives at the early stages of his life. Thus, professional teaching at this nurturing period, enables him to accept information with an open mind and in a systematic manner. In other words, children can quickly adapt to school atmosphere and learn cooperating with others at the early age, which would be lost if they are confined to the comfort of their homes. For instance, the Indian study system which encourages children to commence schooling as early as 6 years, has played a vital role in the world recognizing Indian youth for their intelligence and intellectual capabilities. In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I believe that primary schooling before reaching 7 years of age, would provide a better chance to succeed both in the career and as an individual, since, it encourages the overall development and establishes the foundation for the child's bright future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the primary education for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be introduced
much later in their life, whereas, others believe that the child should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admitted into school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
he turns seven years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. In my essay, I would discuss both the viewpoints
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
reaching a conclusion.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believed that enrolling a young kid into formal education system, would suppress his individuality and distance him from his family. At this age, they tend to absorb knowledge from the practical experiences,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
would impose them with theoretical knowledge and detach them from learning from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experiences. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, young ones
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
disconnected from their parents and do not establish the necessary emotional bond.
For example
, in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced world, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their offspring in Montessori, which has proven to affect their growth
emotionally
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
turning seven
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
become more successful and
socially
adaptable. A child’s mind is tender and his character
is shaped
from the teaching, he receives at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
stages of his life.
Thus
, professional teaching at this nurturing period, enables him to accept information with an open mind and
Consider replacing "in a systematic manner" with the adverb for "systematic"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a systematic manner
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
quickly
adapt to school atmosphere and learn
If 'learn' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to cooperate".
cooperating
with others at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age, which would
be lost
if they
are confined
to the comfort of their homes.
For instance
, the Indian study system which encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to commence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
as 6 years, has played a vital role in the world recognizing Indian youth for their intelligence and intellectual capabilities.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may vary in their opinions, I believe that primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
reaching 7 years of age, would provide a better chance to succeed both in the career and as an individual, since, it encourages the
overall
development and establishes the foundation for the child's bright future.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children should start primary school later in life, others say that they should start it before 7. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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