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Some people think that children should learn to compete in the world, but others think the children should be taught to cooperate so as to become more useful to society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think that children should learn to compete in the world, but others think the children should be taught to cooperate so as to become more useful to society. v. 2
Nowadays, the issue of how to bring up children to become useful citizens has grown in importance. As we are living in a competitive world now, some people argue that encouraging a sense of competition in children is more beneficial than teaching them how to cooperate. These people believe that competition acts as a motivator to enhance children’s performance. Considering rewards for students’ achievements would encourage them to make the effort to defeat other competitors by gaining better results. In this way, the children are more likely to be well-prepared for other competitive aspects of life including university education and employment. For example, in my country, there is a strong competition for university entrance examination, and the candidates with higher ranks not only enjoy studying in prestigious universities, but also are offered by better job opportunities after graduation. Therefore, in order to overcome these challenging issues, it seems advisable for children to learn competition skill. By contrast, other people opine that being cooperative is more effective than winning individual battles. There are some situations in everybody’s life which involves teamwork and collaboration. Examples can be seen in the workplace, where successful cooperation with colleagues and managers positively impacts on employees’ career prospects. In addition, focusing on achieving their goals independently to win a competition, students are highly likely to have an indifferent outlook toward their classmates. As a result, in the future, these children will probably become adults with unhelpful attitude toward their fellow citizens who are in need. It is sensible to conclude that both competition and cooperation skills are necessary for children to become useful adults. The reason is that rivalry would motivate students to try hard, and at the same time working in a team would prevent them from overlooking others’ needs.
Nowadays, the issue of how to bring up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become useful citizens has grown in importance. As we are living in a competitive world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that encouraging a sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is more beneficial than teaching them how to cooperate.

These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
acts as a motivator to enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
performance. Considering rewards for students’ achievements would encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the effort to defeat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
competitors by gaining better results. In this way, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more likely to be well-prepared for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
competitive aspects of life including university education and employment.
For example
, in my country, there is a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
for university entrance examination, and the candidates with higher ranks not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enjoy studying in prestigious universities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
are offered
by better job opportunities after graduation.
Therefore
, in order to overcome these challenging issues, it seems advisable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.

By contrast,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that being cooperative is more effective than winning individual battles. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situations in everybody’s life which involves teamwork and collaboration. Examples can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the workplace, where successful cooperation with colleagues and managers
positively
impacts on employees’ career prospects.
In addition
, focusing on achieving their goals
independently
to win a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, students are
highly
likely to have an indifferent outlook toward their classmates.
As a result
, in the future, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
probably
become adults with unhelpful attitude toward their fellow citizens who are in need.

It is sensible
to conclude
that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
and cooperation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become useful adults. The reason is that rivalry would motivate students to try
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, and at the same time working in a team would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from overlooking others’ needs.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people think that children should learn to compete in the world, but others think the children should be taught to cooperate so as to become more useful to society. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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