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Some people think that children should be taught to be competitive in school others, however, say that cooperation and team working skills are more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that children should be taught to be competitive in school others, however, say that cooperation and team working skills are more important. v. 2
Experts throughout both developing and developed nations, often argues, whether children should be more encouraged to learn skills such as cooperation and team player or it is more beneficial for them to be competitive. In my opinion, learning these skills may bring better outcome in future. In this eassy, I shall examine a number of studies which shows that both viewpoints are, to some degree, justified. On on hand, there is ample, powerful, almost daily evidence that, competitive beheviour could bring immeasurable advantages to students. It is often observed that, students who are constantly pushing themselves to score higest grades, excels in many acedamic criterias. However, this constant performence pressure, could be detrimental for their mental growth, because they are more likely to suffer from depression. For example, a recent study published by Oxford University illustrated that, more than 15% of students, every year commit suicide, as they are unable to perform upto their parents expectations. Thus, seen in this light, it is clear that, encouraging over amibitious attributes in children, could be fatal. Whereas, on the other hand, motivating students to devlope skills such as time management, cooperation and team player will be a better initiative towards their overall personaltity development. Children with these traits are able to exceed in almost every aspect of life, and are less likely to experience stress. Also, Many multinational companies, prefer to hire individuals with these personality traits. This is borne out by a study completed at University of Melbourne which demonstrated that, many top CEO's of large companies are better team players. In conclusion, this is a topic that time after time results in heated colloquy within society, but from the above argument, I am inclined to say that, devloping these skills in children is, a much better approach towards education.
Experts throughout both developing and developed nations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argues, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be more encouraged to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as cooperation and team player or it is more beneficial for them to be competitive. In my opinion, learning these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
may bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
outcome
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. In this
Possible spelling mistake found.
eassy
, I shall examine a number of studies which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that both viewpoints are, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree, justified.

Possible typo: you repeated a word
On on
hand, there is ample, powerful, almost daily evidence that, competitive
Possible spelling mistake found.
beheviour
could bring immeasurable advantages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
observed that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are
constantly
pushing themselves to score
Possible spelling mistake found.
higest
grades, excels in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
acedamic
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "criteria", the plural form of the noun 'criteria'?
criterias
.
However
, this constant
Possible spelling mistake found.
performence
pressure, could be detrimental for their mental growth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are more likely to suffer from depression.
For example
, a recent study published by Oxford University illustrated that, more than 15% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, every year commit suicide, as they are unable to perform
Possible spelling mistake found.
upto
their parents expectations.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in this light, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that, encouraging over
Possible spelling mistake found.
amibitious
attributes in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, could be fatal.

Whereas,
on the other hand
, motivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
devlope
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as time management, cooperation and team player will be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
initiative towards their
overall
Possible spelling mistake found.
personaltity
development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
with these traits are able to exceed in almost every aspect of life, and are less likely to experience
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, prefer to hire individuals with these personality traits. This
is borne
out by a study completed at University of Melbourne which demonstrated that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
top
The possessive apostrophe seems to be incorrect. Please remove the apostrophe if you want to use the plural form of 'CEO'.
CEO's
of large
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
team players.

In conclusion
, this is a topic that time after time results in heated colloquy within society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from the above argument, I
am inclined
to say that,
Possible spelling mistake found.
devloping
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is, a much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
approach towards education.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people think that children should be taught to be competitive in school others, however, say that cooperation and team working skills are more important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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