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some people think that children should be involved in more traditional games rather than modern ones v.1

some people think that children should be involved in more traditional games rather than modern ones v. 1
It is irrefutable that, these days, the increasing number of children is being involved in various types of both modern and traditional games. The majority of youngsters have a play station set in their bedroom and some even download their favourite games on their mobile phones and PCs. Some people suppose that, there are more positives of traditional games than modern ones for young generation, due to the factors like education. However, I partly disagree with this idea and in this essay I will support my view with examples. On the one hand, there are several benefits of modern games. Firstly, these up to date games not only demonstrate the scenes with violence or crime, but also they might be educational as well as informative, which can play vitally important role in children’s behaviour and attention towards the life. What I mean by this is that, Currently, computer programmers realized that new games should not be just a waste of time for children, they must be able to teach our youth for different abilities, that might be extremely useful for their future perspectives. Secondly, regarding to the main point with an explanation and then an example, some modern educational games, which usually require quite a little amount of money, have a great deal of significant awards, including schooling privileges, scholarships and so on. Take pupils, for example. Participating in these games they are likely to gain a great experience or qualification, which can open the door for better employment. Moreover, they may earn some money being a winner and motivated for a better result. On the other hand, there is an argument that we have to maintain our different cultural identities. In other words, every person throughout the world ought not to forger his traditional customs and games, in order not to be unfamiliar with their own cultural backgrounds. Summing up, although it is a common belief that traditional games are more beneficial than modern ones, I personally feel that modern games are becoming more useful, whereas traditional ones might be unnecessary in the majority of cases.
It is irrefutable that, these days, the increasing number of children is
being involved
in various types of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The majority of youngsters have a play station set in their bedroom and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
even download their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on their mobile phones and PCs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suppose that, there are more positives of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
for young generation, due to the factors like education.
However
, I partly disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and in this essay I will support my view with examples.

On the one hand, there are several benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Firstly
, these up to date
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
demonstrate the scenes with violence or crime,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they might be educational
as well
as informative, which can play
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and attention towards the life. What I mean by this is that,
Currently
, computer programmers realized that new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a waste of time for children, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be able to teach our youth for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
abilities, that might be
extremely
useful for their future perspectives.

Secondly
,
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
the main point with an explanation and then an example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which
usually
require quite a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
amount of money, have a great deal of significant awards, including schooling privileges, scholarships and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Take pupils,
for example
. Participating in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
they are likely to gain a great experience or qualification, which can open the door for better employment.
Moreover
, they may earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money being a winner and motivated for a better result.

On the other hand
, there is an argument that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
maintain our
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultural identities.
In other words
, every person throughout the world ought not to forger his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
customs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, in order not to be unfamiliar with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cultural backgrounds.

Summing up, although it is a common belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more beneficial than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, I
personally
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are becoming more useful, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
might be unnecessary in the majority of cases.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay some people think that children should be involved in more traditional games rather than modern ones v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
347 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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