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Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom. v. 2
The trends towards children's education become controversial in the contemporary society. It’s sometimes argued that children are given too much freedom due to modern technology and the busy work of their parents. Personally, I strongly agree for a number of reasons. Firstly, children and their parents seem to be less close nowadays on account of both parents often working full time. Children spend more time with friends or surfing the Internet, hence, these become the main influence on children’s behaviour. In such a big data era, there are attendant ways for children to absorb different opinions towards various of events. It’s beneficial for them to attach abundant information freely which may help them recognize what they are truly interested in and inculcate the habit of thinking independently. However, too much bad information spread on the Internet at the same time. Since most of the children are lack of abilities to distinguish between right and wrong, it’s essential to impose some measures to forbid them from watching the negative information. For instance, some of the websites, such as YouTube, offer warnings when kids open an ‘unsuitable’ movie. To some extend it doesn’t prevent anything, instead it may arouse kids’ curiosity. Parental guidance at this circumstance is quite much important. Secondly, on account of the one-child policy, more and more doting parents blindly accept all the request from their kids. For example, kids always would rather play games by iPads lying on their beds than play basketball or such a traditional sporty game. Long time watching on the screen does harm to their eyesight and health, while their parents still buy more electrics for them instead of enforcing them to run around the playground. In conclusion, I wholeheartedly believe that parents should be more involved with their children’s upbringing and strictly regular their children’s behaviour. Today’s kids are provided too much freedom so that they become more and more impolite and sickly.
The trends towards children's education become controversial in the contemporary society. It’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
freedom due to modern technology and the busy work of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Personally
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
for a number of reasons.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
seem to be less close nowadays on account of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
working full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with friends or surfing the Internet,
hence
, these become the main influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. In such a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
data era, there are attendant ways for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to absorb
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions towards various of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. It’s beneficial for them to attach abundant information
freely
which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them recognize what they are
truly
interested in and inculcate the habit of thinking
independently
.
However
, too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
information spread on the Internet at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Since most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are lack of abilities to distinguish between right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, it’s essential to impose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to forbid them from watching the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
information.
For instance
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
websites, such as YouTube, offer warnings when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
open an ‘unsuitable’ movie. To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean the noun "extent"?
extend
it doesn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
anything,
instead
it may arouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids’
curiosity. Parental guidance at this circumstance is quite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

Secondly
, on account of the one-child policy, more and more doting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
blindly
accept all the request from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
always would
rather
play games by iPads lying on their beds than play basketball or such a traditional sporty game. Long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching on the screen does harm to their eyesight and health, while their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more electrics for them
instead
of enforcing them to run around the playground.

In conclusion
, I
wholeheartedly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be more involved with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
upbringing and
strictly
regular their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are provided
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
freedom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they become more and more impolite and sickly.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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