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Some people think that Books are losing as a source of information and entertainment. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that Books are losing as a source of information and entertainment. v. 1
A part of the world is suffering from many difficulties regarding small children. Some people consider, the excessive engagement of parents, as the major cause behind such difficulties. However, I partially agree with this statement. According to me, there are other factors such as the effect of technology, which are equally responsible for the said problem. On the one hand, I can understand why a major chunk of the population, hold parents responsible for the problems, with the small children. Firstly, in this fast facing life, both the parents are working. Obviously they spend most of the their time working at the office. In such a situation, they hire caretakers to manage their children. These caretakers do not teach the difference of good and bad ethical values, which eventually gives rise to the problems like being disobedient and violent. In addition, when parents come home, they hardly manage time to complete their household chores. For example, they have to finish cooking, washing and cleaning in this limited hours, and they are left with less or no time to teach moral values to their children, which leads to problems with them in future. On the other hand, modern developments contribute equally to the problems relating to the small children. Misleading information is broadcasted on television and internet all the times. Media, these days, has such a great influence on the tender minds that they want to imitate whatever is being shown. Therefore, open access to internet and media acts as a major contributor for the bad behaviour among the small children. To conclude, no doubts, problems relating to the small children such as violence and unethical behaviour, are basically the result of lack of presence of parents at home. However, media and internet even add more to this problem.
A part of the world is suffering from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider, the excessive engagement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, as the major cause behind such difficulties.
However
, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, there are other factors such as the effect of technology, which are
equally
responsible for the said problem.

On the one hand, I can understand why a major chunk of the population, hold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
, in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
facing life, both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are working.
Obviously
they spend most of the their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working at the office. In such a situation, they hire caretakers to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. These caretakers do not teach the difference of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
ethical values, which
eventually
gives rise to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
like being disobedient and violent.
In addition
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
home, they hardly manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to complete their household chores.
For example
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
finish cooking, washing and cleaning in this limited hours, and they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with less or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to teach moral values to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
with them
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

On the other hand
, modern developments contribute
equally
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
relating to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Misleading information
is broadcasted
on television and internet all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
. Media, these days, has such a great influence on the tender minds that they want to imitate whatever is
being shown
.
Therefore
, open access to internet and media acts as a major contributor for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
children.

To conclude
, no doubts,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
relating to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as violence and unethical
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, are
basically
the result of lack of presence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
at home.
However
, media and internet even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that Books are losing as a source of information and entertainment. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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