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Some people think that because of email and telephones, communication among people is less personal now, then it used to be. Do you agree or disagree with that view? Use specific reasons and examples to support your view. v.1

Some people think that because of email and telephones, communication among people is less personal now, then it used to be. with that view? Use specific reasons and examples to support your view. v. 1
When students finished high school, they face a decision of whether to find a job or continue their studying at university or college. While many people believe that there are some benefits to carry on their education, I agree with the idea that getting an occupation straight after school would be more beneficial. On the one hand, there are some factors which point out that studying more is the best way for students to a successful career. It is undeniable that students can have more knowledge and they will be received a certification which can be used for applying for a job. For example, it is impossible to be a doctor or a lawyer without these academic qualifications. Another factor is that after graduated, students can get more job opportunities with higher salaries. Thus, these are two factors account for why many people think that students need yo enter higher education school. On the other hand, I believe that students should get a job right after their graduation. Firstly, they will have a work which can help them earn money earlier and have an independent life. Secondly, they can gain more experiences in the real world and learn some practical life skills related to what profession they choose. To illustrate, if you were an engineer and you needed to fix a bicycle, you would have a chance to have more fixing experiences than what you learn about it at school. Therefore, young people who start to work after finishing studying at school may be promoted and become a successful person in their future career. In conclusion, due to the reasons mentioned above, I am of the opinion that students are more likely to succeed in their future if they begin working right after they graduated.
When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
finished high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, they face a decision of whether to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or continue their studying at university or college. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits to carry on their education, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that getting an occupation straight after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
would be more beneficial.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors which point out that studying more is the best way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to a successful career. It is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can have more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
knowledge and
they will
be received
a certification which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for applying for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For example
, it is impossible to be a doctor or a lawyer without these academic qualifications. Another factor is that after graduated,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities with higher salaries.
Thus
, these are two factors account for why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need
Did you mean "to", "you" or "your"?
yo
enter higher education school.

On the other hand
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
right after their graduation.
Firstly
, they will have a work which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them earn money earlier and have an independent life.
Secondly
, they can gain more experiences in the real world and learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
practical life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
related to what profession they choose. To illustrate, if you were an engineer and you needed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
a bicycle, you would have a chance to have more fixing experiences than what you learn about it at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Therefore
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to work after finishing studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
may
be promoted
and become a successful person in their future career.

In conclusion
, due to the reasons mentioned above, I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are more likely to succeed in their future if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
working right after they graduated.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that because of email and telephones, communication among people is less personal now, then it used to be. with that view? Use specific reasons and examples to support your view. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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