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Some people think that because of email and telephone, communication among people is less personal now than it used to be. v.1

Some people think that because of email and telephone, communication among people is less personal now than it used to be. v. 1
Telephone and email are the results of technological advancement. The modern communication system has made our life comfortable and less laborious. In my view using new methods of communication like telephone or email do not hurt human interaction or relation, rather it makes it more effective. To initiate with, it is very helpful for students and workers who stay in a foreign country to use email, the Internet and mobile phone to stay connected with their family and relatives. Before we had emails and telephones, those people could scarcely communicate with their family members. For instance, one of my cousins studies in New Zealand and he calls and sends emails to his family and friends regularly. Thanks to the modern technology. Twenty years ago my uncle had been in this same country, and he could rarely contact his family as letter-writing was the only way to communicate then. So I would say those modern technologies have improved the way we communicate these days. Moreover, modern communication saves time and cost. The speed of electronic mails and phone calls are overwhelming and people are making many friends beyond boundaries. In my view those are all personal and technology has made it possible to keep more personal relationships than ever before. For example, Facebook helped me find many of my childhood friends and I have a good friendship with them now. This, in my opinion, is a good example to illustrate how technology has improved our personal relationship. Next, people nowadays shop, pay bills and do banking online and these online activities save their personal time that they can spend with their friends and family members. Furthermore, emails have quite positive impacts in keeping the bond between people more personal due to its features which allow sharing pictures, videos and important files. People can now communicate in virtual physical presence which is known as video calling and this makes communication easier and more effective. Before putting my pen down, I would like to say that, telephone and email have a very positive impact on our relationship and communication. Without those, we would have been more isolated and lonely than we can imagine.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Telephone
and email are the results of technological advancement. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
system has made our life comfortable and less laborious. In my view using new methods of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
or email do not hurt human interaction or relation,
rather
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it more effective.

To initiate with, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful for students and workers who stay in a foreign country to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
email, the Internet and mobile phone to stay connected with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and relatives.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
we had emails and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephones
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
scarcely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communicate
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
For instance
, one of my cousins studies in New
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Zealand and
he calls and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sends
emails to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
regularly
. Thanks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Twenty years ago my uncle had been in this same country, and he could rarely contact his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as letter-writing was the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communicate
then.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I would say those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the way we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communicate
these days.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
saves time and cost. The speed of electronic mails and phone calls are overwhelming and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
beyond boundaries. In my view those are all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made it possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
relationships than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For example
, Facebook
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of my childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and I have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
friendship with them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. This, in my opinion, is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example to illustrate how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
relationship.
Next
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays shop, pay bills and
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go banking".
do banking
online and these online activities save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
time that they can spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
Furthermore
, emails have quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts in keeping the bond between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
due to its features which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
sharing pictures, videos and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
files.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communicate
in virtual physical presence which
is known
as video calling and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
easier and more effective.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
putting my pen down, I would like to say that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
and email have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on our relationship and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
. Without those, we would have been more isolated and lonely than we can imagine.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people think that because of email and telephone, communication among people is less personal now than it used to be. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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