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Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.21

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. v. 21
People argue that tourism creates tension between regions rather than assisting individuals to learn other traditions. I completely disagree with this statement because tourists visit a country with a primary purpose, furthermore, it is a voluntary decision for visitors to learn about other cultures. In addition, tourism is one of the principal strategies that governments earn revenue. Firstly, travellers have a plan of a couple of things to get involved with while visiting a specific country. This is because the list enables them to visit all the desired areas, however, some of them might be interested in learning the cultures of other communities. For example, individuals visit Masai Mara, Kenya for game drives to watch big five animals as well as experience the Masai customs. Thus, people participate in various activities while touring. Additionally, the site of attraction attracts different tourists globally. Moreover, these areas are owned by the government, being part of the main means of earning revenue. This is because tourists pay an entrance fee before accessing these areas. For instance, Kenya has many tourist destinations such as Fort Jesus, National museums, National parks, the Arboretum, and archives, before entering into these areas an individual pays an entry fee. Because of this, the government is capable of improving the social amenities as well as uniting different countries. To conclude, I do not agree with the statement that tourism results in pressure and the government should enlighten tourists about other cultures. I believe that learning other communities' civilization is voluntary besides individuals visiting other countries have a to-do list to illustrate, maybe a visit to Masai Mara in Kenya. Also, the government earns revenue through the entry fees charged before accessing any site of attraction.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
argue that tourism creates tension between regions
rather
than assisting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
traditions. I completely disagree with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
a country with a primary purpose,
furthermore
, it is a voluntary decision for visitors to learn about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cultures.
In addition
, tourism is one of the principal strategies that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
earn revenue.

Firstly
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
have a plan of a couple of things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved with while visiting a specific country. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the list enables them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
all the desired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
,
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them might
be interested
in learning the cultures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
communities.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
Masai Mara, Kenya for game drives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
five animals
as well
as experience the Masai customs.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
participate in various activities while touring.

Additionally
, the site of attraction attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
globally.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, being part of the main means of earning revenue. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
pay an entrance fee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
accessing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
For instance
, Kenya has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
destinations such as Fort Jesus, National museums, National parks, the Arboretum, and archives,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering into these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
pays an entry fee.
Because of this
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is capable of improving the social amenities
as well
as uniting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries.

To conclude
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that tourism results in pressure and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should enlighten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cultures. I believe that learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
communities' civilization is voluntary
besides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries have a to-do list to illustrate, maybe a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
to Masai Mara in Kenya.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
earns revenue through the entry fees charged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
accessing any site of attraction.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. v. 21

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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