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Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree? v.11

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. v. 11
Some people insist that volunteer services like charity activity should be introduced to the high school curriculum, whereas others think it should not be treated as part of mandatory education. Nonetheless, I personally lean more toward the latter view, simply because the level of benefits is heavily affected by the individual point of view or circumstance. There are several cases that unpaid service would be beneficial experience for high school children. For instance, they would be able to develop a sense of community or meet new people regardless of their individual skill or aptitude. According to a research paper issued by Cambridge University last year, the majority of successful people in business intentionally participate some volunteer activity at an early age in order to create connections for the future. Considering that childhood is a preparation period for a member of society, it is no doubt providing them such opportunities are more practical and fruitful idea. Turning to the other side of the argument, it could be acknowledged as a just hindrance for achieving an individual goal. Firstly, for the people who are considering to go to the university as their future plan, their top priority may not make connections but building up academic knowledge or conquering examination. Secondly, there might be students who dedicate their time for part-time job to set aside money as a tuition fee or provide their family. From their point of view, volunteer work is just wasting their time and not necessarily essential. In conclusion, while some people say imposing unpaid service for high school students is significant, we cannot ignore the fact that it has not only a positive aspect but also a negative side. I believe that as long as it has some drawbacks, it should not be a compulsory subject and needlessly deprive student's precious time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
insist that volunteer services like charity activity should
be introduced
to the high school curriculum, whereas others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it should not
be treated
as part of mandatory education. Nonetheless, I
personally
lean more toward the latter view,
simply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the level of benefits is
heavily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the individual point of view or circumstance.

There are several cases that unpaid service would be beneficial experience for high school children.
For instance
, they would be able to develop a sense of community or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regardless of their individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
or aptitude. According to a research paper issued by Cambridge University last year, the majority of successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in business
intentionally
participate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
volunteer activity at an early age in order to create connections for the future. Considering that childhood is a preparation period for a member of society, it is no doubt providing them such opportunities are more practical and fruitful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

Turning to the other side of the argument, it could
be acknowledged
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
hindrance for achieving an individual goal.
Firstly
, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are considering to go to the university as their future plan, their top priority may not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
connections
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
building up academic knowledge or conquering examination.
Secondly
, there might be students who dedicate their time for part-time job to set aside money as a tuition fee or provide their family. From their point of view, volunteer work is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
wasting their time and not
necessarily
essential.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say imposing unpaid service for high school students is significant, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the fact that it has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side. I believe that as long as it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, it should not be a compulsory subject and
needlessly
deprive student's precious time.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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