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Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the community. They believe this would benefit both the individuals, teenagers and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the community. They believe this would benefit both the individuals, teenagers and society as a whole. v. 1
Recently, governments had implemented a program which all students need to accomplish before they graduate from high school and this program involve in doing volunteer work for the community. Some individuals believe that doing social service can benefits the society as well as the teenagers. I am strongly agreed with this notion. First of all, incorporating social work in the subjects such as Mathematics, Moral Education and Science can aid the students to understand the topic better as they are able to observe how these subjects are essential to the real world. Besides that, they would not get as bored in the class as they have the chance to do practical work, enhancing their understanding as well as their skills. For example, being a cashier in a supermall helps in developing their arithmetic skills, thus excelling well when Mathematics test comes up. Furthermore, engaging internship job increases the communication skills. As a result, they will be more confident with themselves and able to conserve well to people of different ages. Another advantage of this activity is that it gives a sense of caring and empathy towards the society. By doing community service, it nurtures the sense of responsibility and maturity in adolescent’s mind. Therefore, they will have higher emotional IQ in them, and this motivates them to contribute more to the society when they grow older. Take an example of Will Smith, famous actor who frequently contributing something to his community people such as donation and free books for unprivileged students since he was young. As a result, the state of the people living there became a better place than before. To conclude, I strongly advocate that doing unpaid work for the society, will definitely help the younger to develop vital skills needed in the future and at the same time, a sense of satisfaction that they are changing the world into a better place by their small yet powerful contribution.
Recently,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
had implemented a program which all students need to accomplish
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they graduate from high school and this program involve in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the community.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
social service can benefits the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. I am
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with this notion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, incorporating social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the subjects such as Mathematics, Moral Education and Science can aid the students to understand the topic better as they are able to observe how these subjects are essential to the real world.
Besides
that, they would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
as bored in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
as they have the chance to do practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, enhancing their understanding as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
For example
, being a cashier in a
Possible spelling mistake found.
supermall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in developing their arithmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
,
thus
excelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
when Mathematics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
up.
Furthermore
, engaging internship job increases the communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
As a result
, they will be more confident with themselves and able to conserve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ages.

Another advantage of this activity is that it gives a sense of caring and empathy towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. By
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
community service, it nurtures the sense of responsibility and maturity in adolescent’s mind.
Therefore
, they will have higher emotional IQ in them, and this motivates them to contribute more to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
when they grow older. Take an example of Will Smith,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actor who
frequently
contributing something to his community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
such as donation and free books for unprivileged students since he was young.
As a result
, the state of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living there became a better place than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

To conclude
, I
strongly
advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the younger to develop vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
needed in the future and at the same time, a sense of satisfaction that they are changing the world into a better place by their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
yet
powerful contribution.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the community. They believe this would benefit both the individuals, teenagers and society as a whole. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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