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Some people think that activities of free-time should be planned while others disagree. Discuss both sides and include examples and relevant data from your own experience. v.1

Some people think that activities of free-time should be planned while others disagree. v. 1
Some individuals opine that animals are sentient; therefore, they should not be caged in the wildlife sanctuary, as opposed to that others claim that it is better to have zoos for as it provides numerous benefits. This essay will elucidate both aspects before putting my opinion. On the one hand, there are significant reasons to advocate why animals should be kept in zoos. Firstly, it is irrefutably true that a diverse range of wildlife species is on the verge of extinction, such as White Rhino, Bengali Tiger, African Elephant. Hence a zoo plays a crucial role in preserving such animals. Besides, evidently, a plethora of medicines has been invented from the animal researches. Since animals have robust immunity power, myriads of investigations have been made on them to find a cure for many diseases and virus. To illustrate, in 1892, while the masses were dying of the MARC virus without a proper vaccination, a group of scientists found a solution from Horse and saved millions of lives. Thus, zoos have considerable upsides in society. On the flip side, zoos are not an ideal environment for wild animals as they lose their natural habits and behaviours. Unquestionably, animals cannot obtain their natural instinct like hunting in an artificial environment as it has many drawbacks such as limited space and regular food. Furthermore, animals are forced to carry out a task in many places. Since they can only use their 5th sense, they cannot learn quickly like humans; therefore, they are being trained in a way which physically and mentally hurts. To exemplify, in zoos, for an entertainment show, numerous Elephants and Chimpanzees are treated in an inadmissible manner. In conclusion, although zoos are advantageous to both animals and human life, it is unethical to exploit them for self-centred purposes. Thus, I firmly believe that wild species should not be held in zoos; animals should enjoy their natural habitats and not be kept as captives.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are sentient;
therefore
, they should not
be caged
in the wildlife sanctuary, as opposed to that others claim that it is better to have zoos for as it provides numerous benefits. This essay will elucidate both aspects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
putting my opinion.

On the one hand, there are significant reasons to advocate why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in zoos.
Firstly
, it is
irrefutably
true that a diverse range of wildlife species is on the verge of extinction, such as White Rhino, Bengali Tiger, African Elephant.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
a zoo plays a crucial role in preserving such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
Besides
,
evidently
, a plethora of medicines has
been invented
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
researches. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have robust immunity power, myriads of investigations have
been made
on them to find a cure for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases and virus. To illustrate, in 1892, while the masses were dying of the MARC virus without a proper vaccination, a group of scientists
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "finds", "founds"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'found' is not always incorrect.)
found
a solution from Horse and saved millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Thus
, zoos have considerable upsides in society.

On the flip side, zoos are not an ideal environment for wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
as they lose their natural habits and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.
Unquestionably
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
cannot obtain their natural instinct like hunting in an artificial environment as it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks such as limited space and regular food.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are forced
to carry out a task in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
places. Since they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their 5th sense, they cannot learn
quickly
like humans;
therefore
, they are
being trained
in a way which
physically
and mentally hurts. To exemplify, in zoos,

for an entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, numerous Elephants and Chimpanzees
are treated
Consider replacing "in an inadmissible manner" with the adverb for "inadmissible"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an inadmissible manner
.

In conclusion
, although zoos are advantageous to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and human life, it is unethical to exploit them for
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-centred
purposes.
Thus
, I
firmly
believe that wild species should not
be held
in zoos;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should enjoy their natural habitats and not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
as captives.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people think that activities of free-time should be planned while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
323 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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