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Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss both views. Give your opinion and some of your own experiences. v.2

Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Give your opinion and some of your own experiences. v. 2
People have different views about factors leading to people’s achievements. While I agree that material wealth and physical appearance are essential, I believe that diligence and persistence are more significant. On the one hand, it is no doubt true that money and personal appearance play a pivotal role in attaining accomplishments. Firstly, those who were born in affluent families typically have a good foundation for their development and prosperity. For instance, they could easily start their own business without borrowing money from the bank or have a better education, which allows them to get a secure job in the future. Secondly, nowadays, it often appears that attractive appearance is of paramount importance to certain key sectors such as entertainment or fashion. Indeed, if a singer or a model is beautiful, it is possible for her to draw much attention from audiences and have greater opportunities to climb the social ladder. On the other hand, I am of opinion that determined and industrious people are likely to have better chances of success. Perhaps the principal reason is that not everyone is fortunate enough to be born in wealthy families or to be beautiful, but by putting a great deal of effort, they could achieve their goals. The clearest example of this is that despite the absence of four limbs, Nick Vujicic learned to write by his mouth and successfully earned a bachelor degree with a double major; he is now a famous motivational speaker, traveling around the world to inspire the youth. The other reason is that major success seldom comes easily without perseverance. One of the notable examples is Thomas Edison, a well-known inventor, who conducted countless experiments and also failed thousands of times before eventually inventing the working light bulb In conclusion, although I acknowledge that money and personal appearance significantly contribute to people’s success, I would argue that the role of being hard working and persistent is far more crucial.
People
have
different
views about factors leading to
people’s
achievements. While I
agree
that material wealth and physical
appearance
are essential, I believe that diligence and persistence are more significant.

On the one hand, it is no doubt true that money and personal
appearance
play a pivotal role in attaining accomplishments.
Firstly
, those who
were born
in affluent families
typically
have a
good
foundation for their development and prosperity.
For instance
, they could
easily
start
their
own
business without borrowing money from the bank or have a better education, which
allows
them to
get
a secure job in the future.
Secondly
, nowadays, it
often
appears that attractive
appearance
is of paramount importance to certain key sectors such as entertainment or fashion.
Indeed
, if a singer or a model is
beautiful
, it is possible for her to draw much attention from audiences and have greater opportunities to climb the social ladder.

On the other hand
, I am of opinion that determined and industrious
people
are likely to have better chances of success. Perhaps the principal reason is that not everyone is fortunate
enough
to
be born
in wealthy families or to be
beautiful
,
but
by putting a great deal of effort, they could achieve their goals. The clearest example of this is that despite the absence of four limbs, Nick
Vujicic
learned to write by his mouth and
successfully
earned a bachelor degree with a double major; he is
now
a
famous
motivational speaker, traveling around the world to inspire the youth. The other reason is that major success seldom
comes
easily
without perseverance. One of the notable examples is Thomas Edison, a well-known inventor, who conducted countless experiments and
also
failed thousands of times
before
eventually
inventing the working light
bulb


In conclusion
, although I acknowledge that money and personal
appearance
significantly
contribute to
people’s
success, I would argue that the role of being
hard working
and persistent is far more crucial.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Give your opinion and some of your own experiences. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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