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Some people think playing computer games is bad for children on everything. Others think it has some positive on the way children develop. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.3

Some people think playing computer games is bad for children on everything. Others think it has some positive on the way children develop. v. 3
Recently there has been much interest in gaining a better understanding of the effects of computer games in children's life. Some feel that playing games on technological platforms helps children to develop better for their future. However, I agree with those who are of the opinion that playing computer games will negatively impact on their daily life. In this essay, I will proffer the justification on both viewpoints as well as adduce all the arguments which might support my own belief. Those who espouse the former opinion claim that children can enhance their mental ability. The proponents of this view maintain that when these youngsters play games such as ludo, chess, etc. , which require their constant focus on the game, they can boost their mental power through defending other opponents. Maybe there is some truth in this claim, and some empirical evidence can be provided to support it. For instance, a 2007 study conducted by a team of researchers at the University of Toronto found that those students who were highly engaged in playing games during their childhood were able to achieve higher grades than other who did not play any games. Nevertheless, one can argue that there is more to the story than this research tells. Personally, I firmly believe that playing games will impede children's development because they get easily distracted from their academic lifestyle. It goes without saying that many children, nowadays, are playing computer games throughout their whole day because the audio and video visualization of these games traps them to play more. Not to forget their parents are also working down-to-dust, so they would not be able to restrict their usage. If these kids play more and more of this kind of games, they will lose their concentration from school life and later they won't be able to complete their studies. My friend, Tina, is a shining example of this. She used to play online games with her friends online after school hours daily. She enjoyed it a lot, but before she knew it, she felt behind from the academic grades and had to repeat many subjects again to graduate. To sum up, although playing games may improve mind power for some children. I still hold to the opinion that this trend hurdles children's growth as they might lose their concentration from academic subjects.
Recently there has been much interest in gaining a better understanding of the effects of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in children's life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on technological platforms
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to develop better for their future.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will
negatively
impact on their daily life. In this essay, I will proffer the justification on both viewpoints
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
adduce all the arguments which might support my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
belief.

Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
espouse the former opinion claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can enhance their mental ability. The proponents of this view maintain that when these youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as ludo, chess, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which require their constant focus on the game, they can boost their mental power through defending other opponents. Maybe there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
truth in this claim, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
empirical evidence can
be provided
to support it.
For instance
, a 2007 study conducted by a team of researchers at the University of Toronto found that those students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were
highly
engaged in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
during their childhood were able to achieve higher grades than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
did not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
any games.

Nevertheless
, one can argue that there is more to the story than this research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tells
.
Personally
, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will impede children's development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
distracted from their academic lifestyle. It goes without saying that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, nowadays, are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
throughout their whole day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the audio and video visualization of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
traps them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
more. Not to forget their parents are
also
working down-to-dust,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they would not be able to restrict their usage. If these kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
more and more of this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they will lose their concentration from school life and later they won't be able to complete their studies. My friend, Tina, is a shining example of this. She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with her friends online after school hours daily. She enjoyed it a lot,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
she knew it, she felt behind from the academic grades and had to repeat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
subjects again to graduate.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
mind power for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I
still
hold to the opinion that this trend hurdles children's growth as they might lose their concentration from academic subjects.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think playing computer games is bad for children on everything. Others think it has some positive on the way children develop. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
390 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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