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Some people think playing computer games is bad for children on everything. Others think it has some positive on the way children develop. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think playing computer games is bad for children on everything. Others think it has some positive on the way children develop. v. 1
Recent decades witnessed an upsurge of the number of online games becoming a popular source of entertainment indulgenced in children. This was met both approvals and objections in favor of allowing children to play computer games. As I see it, the demerits of allowing young people to play games overshadow its possible merits. Indeed, on no accounted can we overlook the potential downsides triggered by allowing children to be engrossed in computer game. Firstly, playing online game without parent restriction are inextricably influenced on academic performance and health from a negative side. In fact, children spending many hours restlessly to play games might diminish players’ creativity and imagination. Additionally, the massive amount of time for study is restricted instead of sitting in front of computers. Furthermore, the sedentary lifestyle of games would increase the likelihood of obesity. Finally, the current game contents are besieged with pornography, violence and blood which corrupt one’s innocent mind and arouse one’s violent impulse. On the flip side, those who support the positive side of playing games argue that some kinds of games are able to lend young people a helping hand with improving their mind set. For example, playing games such as strategy and dance act as a lesson for players’ teamwork spirit. Moreover, a few sources of games provide immense of knowledge about different culture and places over the world through discovery games. In conclusion, allowing children to play online games can be a double-edged sword, which can be used for equally good and evil. However, it is overly risky to allow those who are in the informative years to overindulge in computer games.
Recent decades witnessed an upsurge of the number of online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
becoming a popular source of entertainment
Possible spelling mistake found.
indulgenced
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This
was met
both approvals and objections in favor of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. As I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it, the demerits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowing
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
overshadow its possible merits.

Indeed
, on no accounted can we overlook the potential downsides triggered by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
be engrossed
in computer game.
Firstly
, playing online game without parent restriction are
inextricably
influenced on academic performance and health from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours
restlessly
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
might diminish players’ creativity and imagination.
Additionally
, the massive amount of time for study
is restricted
instead
of sitting in front of computers.
Furthermore
, the sedentary lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
would increase the likelihood of obesity.
Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
game contents
are besieged
with pornography, violence and blood which corrupt one’s innocent mind and arouse one’s violent impulse.

On the flip side, those who support the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
argue that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are able to lend young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
a helping hand with improving their mind set.
For example
, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as strategy and dance act as a lesson for players’ teamwork spirit.
Moreover
, a few sources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
provide immense of knowledge about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture and places over the world through discovery games.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be a double-edged sword, which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
equally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and evil.
However
, it is
overly
risky to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
those who are in the informative years to overindulge in computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think playing computer games is bad for children on everything. Others think it has some positive on the way children develop. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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