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Some people think painting and drawings are important as other subjects. They should be compulsory in high school education. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people think painting and drawings are important as other subjects. They should be compulsory in high school education. v. 3
There is a debate as to whether young people should have full freedom in job-seeking. Some people believe that youngsters can choose any jobs as they please, while others hold a different opinion. On the one hand, if young people have a right to make their own choice, they are more likely to find jobs that suit their interest and personality. As a result, they would show more passion and motivation in their work, which makes it easier for them to succeed in their careers. Moreover, those who choose the jobs they enjoy tend to maintain harmonious relations with other people, particularly their colleagues. By contrast, if the young are compelled to accept jobs that they dislike, they may feel depressed and end up achieving nothing. On the other hand, some people argue that it is unwise to let young people choose satisfactory jobs in disregard of some realistic factors as their further development may be negatively impacted. For instance, a person may have an ideal job in his or her mind, but in reality he or she has little choice in employment for economic reason and therefore has to work in the office in order to earn a living. And it is commonly accepted that only by doing so, can people realize their dreams in the future with sufficient funds. Thereby, young people should pay more attention to the salary and job security for their future progress. In my opinion, there is always a gap between the reality and the ideal. Although young people should be encouraged to choose their favourite jobs, material needs also need to be considered.
There is a debate
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have full freedom in job-seeking.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that youngsters can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
, while others hold a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinion.

On the one hand, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choice, they are more likely to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that suit their interest and personality.
As a result
, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more passion and motivation in their work, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it easier for them to succeed in their careers.
Moreover
, those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
they enjoy tend to maintain harmonious relations with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
particularly
their colleagues. By contrast, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
are compelled
to accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that they dislike, they may feel depressed and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up achieving nothing.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that it is unwise to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
satisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in disregard of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
realistic factors as their
further
development may be
negatively
impacted.
For instance
, a person may have an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
mind,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in reality he or she has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
choice in employment for economic reason and
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
work in the office in order to earn a living. And it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
realize their dreams in the future with sufficient funds. Thereby,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should pay more attention to the salary and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
security for their future progress.

In my opinion, there is always a gap between the reality and the ideal. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, material needs
also
need to
be considered
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people think painting and drawings are important as other subjects. They should be compulsory in high school education. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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