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Some people think mothers spend most of their time raising their children, and therefore the government should support them. v.1

Some people think mothers spend most of their time raising their children, and therefore the government should support them. v. 1
It is certainly true that child rising is considered to be a crucial work of every woman. Although I accept that few women are still need of government’s support, I believe not all women expect this. Gone are those days, when women were typical homemakers or mothers. The roles of women have changed inside today’s contemporary families. In fact, the women are becoming the breadwinners of the family and men are taking up the role of house husbands. So how is this possible for a mother to become wholly responsible for children’s upbringing! Educated women of this modern world share their responsibilities with their life partners and are also focusing on financial issues, career, savings etc other than the usual household chores and taking care of their children. It is believed that child’s behaviour nowadays is shaped by the schools and the society. So the parents just look after that their ward is getting educated in a good institution. In this way, the child grows more independently and successfully. Therefore, it is practically not possible for women these days to spend more time in child raising. However, there are still women who are in dire need of government’s support. In some rural areas which are not developed, women still take up only the role of mothers. They may not be well educated and therefore cannot support themselves. The situation would be worse if she is divorced or a widow. In this case, women should be supported financially. For instance, Pettavaithalai village near Trichy city in India receives a funding to support all the mothers with Rs 10, 000 monthly. Consequently, the women and her children are now developing and becoming successful. Thus, few women should be supported by the government. In conclusion, while I accept  that in few areas of the world women still lives on the darker side and should be helped, I believe that the revolutionised world has changed the role of most women and they do not depend on government’s support.
It is
certainly
true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
rising
is considered
to be a crucial work of every woman. Although I accept that few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
still
Consider using a past participle here: "needed".
need
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
, I believe not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
this.

Gone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "is".
are
those days, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were typical homemakers or mothers. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
inside
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s contemporary families. In fact, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are becoming the breadwinners of the family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are taking up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
husbands.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
how is this possible for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
to become wholly responsible for children’s upbringing! Educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
of this modern world share their responsibilities with their life partners and are
also
focusing on financial issues, career, savings etc other than the usual household chores and taking care of their children. It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
nowadays
is shaped
by the schools and the society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
look after that their ward is getting educated in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
institution. In this way, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
grows more
independently
and
successfully
.
Therefore
, it is
practically
not possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
these days to spend more time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
raising.

However
, there are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who are in dire need of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
rural areas which are not developed,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
still
take up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of mothers. They may not be
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
and
therefore
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
themselves. The situation would be worse if she
is divorced
or a widow.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be supported
financially
.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pettavaithalai
village near
Possible spelling mistake found.
Trichy
city in India receives a funding to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
all the mothers with Rs 10, 000 monthly.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and her children are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
developing and becoming successful.
Thus
, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be supported
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In conclusion
, while I accept
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
that in few areas of the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
on the darker side and should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
, I believe that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
world has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of most
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
women and
they do not depend on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think mothers spend most of their time raising their children, and therefore the government should support them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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