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Some people think it is wise to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think it is wise to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 2
As per the common adage ‘parents can make or mar the personality of the children‘. Nonetheless, there are demographics who contemplate the fact that the offsprings should have the mobile phone; however, there are others who discord. Well, It is inevitable that mobile phone brings pros and cons along with it if used wisely. Whilst, the accelerating technology has brought conducive outcomes with the advent of time. Firstly, parents can have a direct contact with the juvenile whenever there is a need and that helps the parent to be in sigh of relief when they are away. Secondly, mobile phone has become a necessary tool for the learning these days as they are innumerable options for the child required of cognitive skills. For instance, two decades ago finding a legit information was a thriving job; nonetheless, nowadays wikipedia act as a common platform to find information. At last, the phone has various applications to stay connected with your friends and family online with a minimal tariff rates. Thus in other words, mobile data in abundance give plethora of options to study and stay connected with the world at any given time of the hour. Despite the mobile phone brings incessant benedictions; however, there are numerous drawbacks that it can debilitate the tender mind if not used wisely. One way if the parent go unbridle about the usage of the cellular phone by the young ones. For instance, If there is no constant check by the parents and there might be a chance that the gullible mind can become prey of filthy sites or pedophilia. Not only the online sites can have deplorable effect; however, the online group that the child is part of can also get influenced by the wrongdoing such as drugs, gambling and boozing. Also, at the young age they can be looted by the hackers by getting duped for the emulated products sold online. All in all, there are countless virtues that the mobile phone brings such as online learning, social bondage; however, I believe if care takers go unbridle with the teenagers it can have negative ramifications on the personality and the development of the child.
As per the common adage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
‘parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
or mar the personality of the children‘. Nonetheless, there are demographics who contemplate the fact that the
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should have the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
;
however
, there are others who discord. Well, It is inevitable that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
brings pros and cons along with it if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
wisely
.

Whilst, the accelerating technology has brought conducive outcomes with the advent of time.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can have a direct contact with the juvenile whenever there is a need and that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
to be in sigh of relief when they are away.
Secondly
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
has become a necessary tool for the learning these days as they are innumerable options for the child required of cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, two decades ago finding
'information' is a mass noun (i.e., uncountable). Therefore, the preceding 'a' is probably wrong.
a legit information
was a thriving job; nonetheless, nowadays
Possible spelling mistake found.
wikipedia
act as a common platform to find information. At last, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
has various applications to stay connected with your friends and family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
with a minimal tariff rates.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
in other words
, mobile data in abundance give plethora of options to study and stay connected with the world at any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
time of the hour.

Despite the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
brings incessant benedictions;
however
, there are numerous drawbacks that it can debilitate the tender mind if not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
wisely
. One way if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
go
Possible spelling mistake found.
unbridle
about the usage of the cellular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
by the young ones.
For instance
, If there is no constant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and there might be a chance that the gullible mind can become prey of filthy sites or pedophilia. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
sites can have deplorable effect;
however
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
group that the child is part of can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by the wrongdoing such as drugs, gambling and boozing.
Also
, at the young age they can
be looted
by the hackers by getting duped for the emulated products sold online.

All in all, there are countless virtues that the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
brings such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
learning, social bondage;
however
, I believe if care takers go
Possible spelling mistake found.
unbridle
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
it can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ramifications on the personality and the development of the child.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think it is wise to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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