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Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family Discuss both sides and give your opinion v.6

Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family 6
Although some people subscribe to the belief that career progression is of paramount importance to the people`s life, there are some voices concern about the potential adverse effects of poor communication with families and friends which I will discuss in this essay. Admittedly, there are several reasons why some people tend to spend more time to progress up the career ladder. Firstly, career achievement is of great benefit to successfully development in the form of financial matters. This may mean that thriving in a job opportunity might give rise to better social and personal welfare, hopefully leading to an improvement in quality of life. The proof of this might be that poverty can afflict families in various forms, from the level of subsistence to the education and marriage. Secondly, pursuing a career has rewards which go beyond the material considerations. It seems quite tenable that job satisfaction may afford spiritual enrichment, thus fostering the sense of self-confidence and self-assurance. With regards to the above argument, placing more emphasis on the effective communication with families and friends is a key illustration of rational thinking. It seems quite justifiable that such a communication is essential for absorbing ground rules and codes of conducts for social behavior and development of family structure, arguably leading to an absence of emotional and social problems, particularly for younger members of family. Nobody can deny the tremendous benefits of continuous supervision of parents for their children, ensuring well-behaved environment which might be provided for children to be well-brought up. Equally, most people would derive benefits from their families and friends in terms of career progression and financial matters. All thing considered, one can conclude that both sides of debate are not necessarily mutually exclusive. From my point of view, sensible figures would share fairly their time with both surrounding people and career advancement.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
subscribe to the belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
progression is of paramount importance to the
The character between 'people' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "people’s" (curly apostrophe) or "people's" (straight apostrophe).
people`s
life, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
voices concern about the potential adverse effects of poor communication with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and friends which I will discuss in this essay.

Admittedly
, there are several reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to spend more time to progress up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
ladder.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
achievement is of great benefit to
successfully
development in the form of financial matters. This may mean that thriving in a job opportunity might give rise to better social and personal welfare,
hopefully
leading to an improvement in quality of life. The proof of this might be that poverty can afflict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
in various forms, from the level of subsistence to the education and marriage.
Secondly
, pursuing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
has rewards which go beyond the material considerations. It seems quite tenable that job satisfaction may afford spiritual enrichment,
thus
fostering the sense of self-confidence and self-assurance.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the above argument, placing more emphasis on the effective communication with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and friends is a key illustration of rational thinking. It seems quite justifiable that such a communication is essential for absorbing ground
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and codes of conducts for social behavior and development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure,
arguably
leading to an absence of emotional and social problems,
particularly
for younger members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Nobody can deny the tremendous benefits of continuous supervision of parents for their children, ensuring well-behaved environment which might
be provided
for children to be well-brought up.
Equally
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would derive benefits from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and friends in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
progression and financial matters.

All thing considered, one can conclude that both sides of debate are not
necessarily
mutually
exclusive. From my point of view, sensible figures would share
fairly
their time with both surrounding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
advancement.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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