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Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. v. 1
It is believed by some that the government should allocate more resources into encouraging people to adopt a healthy lifestyle than into treatment for people with illnesses. In my opinion, although I think that raising health awareness in public would bring great benefits, I disagree that it is more important than finding treatment for those in need. On the one hand, the country in which promotes a healthy lifestyle could see an dramatic increase in the number of wholesome citizens who are both mentally and physically healthy. For example, people in the area where their local authorities spend money to invest in free gym facilities tend to do exercise more therefore stay away from the sedentary lifestyle. As a results, they would be more productive in their job, which greatly contributes to the prosper of a nation. This could also reduce the stress on the healthcare systems as less people have diseases such as diabetes which stem from an unhealthy lifestyle. On the other hand, I strongly believe that the authorities should also provide adequate subsidies for treatment of people who are already have diseases. First of all, they have the right to receive proper healthcare as they also contribute to the state revenue through their taxes. If a person has worked hard in all his life, he should be given some help from the government when he is sick. Moreover, from the ethical perspective, it would be unhumane to ignore ill people, especially to whom suffer from life-threatening situations. In conclusion, it is necessary to encourage people to follow a healthy lifestyle, but it is by no means ignoring those who in desperate need for treatment.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should allocate more resources into encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to adopt a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
than into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with illnesses. In my opinion, although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that raising health awareness in public would bring great benefits, I disagree that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
for those in need.

On the one hand, the country in which promotes a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
dramatic increase in the number of wholesome citizens who are both mentally and
physically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the area where their local authorities spend money to invest in free gym facilities tend to do exercise more
therefore
stay away from the sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. As
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a result" or simply "results"?
a results
, they would be more productive in their job, which
greatly
contributes to
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'prosper' is correct. If 'prosper' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the prosper
of a nation. This could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
on the healthcare systems as
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun people is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have diseases such as diabetes which stem from an unhealthy lifestyle.

On the other hand
, I
strongly
believe that the authorities should
also
provide adequate subsidies for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are already have diseases.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they have the right to receive proper healthcare as they
also
contribute to the state revenue through their taxes. If a person has worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in all his life, he should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
when he is sick.
Moreover
, from the ethical perspective, it would be
Possible spelling mistake found.
unhumane
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
ill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
to whom suffer from life-threatening situations.

In conclusion
, it is necessary to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is by no means ignoring those who in desperate need for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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