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Some people think it is important to spend a lot of money on a wedding celebration, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think it is important to spend a lot of money on a wedding celebration, while others disagree. v. 1
To some extent, I agree that the rich, contributing their wealth to get a reputation in the society. However, wealthy, want to show their pride by spending lots of money, on the other hand, some royal families leaving their wealth and wanting to lead a normal life instead of using taxpayer's capital. The essay will discuss both views and put forward evidences as to why amusing parties require to unite people in society. Firstly, Billionaire's wasting lots of revenue on wedding's to get media attention and secondly, they want to use this as a strategy to improve the business. For example, The richest man in India, Mukesh Ambani spent millions of dollars on his daughter's wedding and invited all the richest people on the earth including Hillary Clinton. Because of the invitation, he became familiar to some of the wealthy business people in the earth and later he discussed lot of Business deals with them across the earth. He used wedding to get benefited and earned more than what he spent. For instance, Singapore, a couple of months ago, banned all types of ceremonies. On the other hand, some of the richest royal families do not want to use the hard working people capital for their security needs. For example, Prince Hary is the latest sensation across the world and he took a tremendous decision to live a normal and left his royal life and moved to Canada with his wife. The recent survey stated that, In the United States of America, most of the wealthy people always participate in local community developments or donate their cash to support the people suffering with diseases. To conclude, some extent to use wealth to book some nice Banquet Hall for wedding and inviting the close relatives and spending in the budget is fine, but otherwise, help the needy people and spend for the societal development with left over. There are some very nice people who don't want salary or reputation instead wanted some happy life. To conclude, weddings and party arrangements are appropriate for the growth of the rich. In my opinion, although these types of celebrations demand much money, they are entirely important for individuals in addition communities.
To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the rich, contributing their wealth to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a reputation in the society.

However
, wealthy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their pride by spending lots of money,
on the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
royal families leaving their wealth and wanting to lead a normal life
instead
of using taxpayer's capital. The essay will discuss both views and put forward evidences as to why amusing parties require
Did you mean "uniting"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to unite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in society.

Firstly
, Billionaire's wasting lots of revenue on wedding's to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
media attention and
secondly
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this as a strategy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the business.
For example
, The richest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in India, Mukesh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ambani
spent millions of dollars on his daughter's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
and invited all the richest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the earth including Hillary Clinton.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the invitation, he became familiar to
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
wealthy business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the earth and later he discussed
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
Business deals with them across the earth. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefited and earned more than what he spent.
For instance
, Singapore, a couple of months ago, banned all types of ceremonies.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of the richest royal families do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
capital for their security needs.
For example
, Prince
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hary
is the latest sensation across the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
world and
he took a tremendous decision to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a normal and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
his royal life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to Canada with his wife.

The recent survey stated that, In the United States of America, most of the wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always participate in local community developments or donate their cash to support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffering with diseases.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
wealth to book
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nice Banquet Hall for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
and inviting the close relatives and spending in the budget is fine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
otherwise
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and spend for the societal development with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
over. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
nice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who don't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
salary or reputation
instead
wanted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
happy life.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weddings
and party arrangements are appropriate for the growth of the rich. In my opinion, although these types of celebrations demand much money, they are
entirely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for individuals
in addition
communities.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think it is important to spend a lot of money on a wedding celebration, while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
367 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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