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Some people think Governments should take measures regarding the healthy lifestyle of individuals. Others think it must be managed by individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion v.1

Some people think Governments should take measures regarding the healthy lifestyle of individuals. Others think it must be managed by individuals. 1
Most of the people around the world who has an access to the internet and owns a computer or a smartphone is likely to use the social networking sites. Out of them the most popular is the Facebook. Some people argue that these sites have a negative impact on a person as well as the society. I partially agree with the given argument. On one hand, the online network platform enables people to connect with each other through the internet. These mediums also serves as a major news source to their users. Apart from that, people get to understand trends, gossip and events ongoing around them. For example, I personally use Facebook as a news source because it's more convenient than traditional news broadcasting system through a television and a newspaper. Furthermore, I also get to know what my friends, leaders and the favourite celebrities activity. In addition, it also gives us power to directly interact with a political leader, actor and author through comments on their posts. On the other hand, these mediums bear a major challenge such as spreading of fake news, sharing of inappropriate contain and manipulation of thought. For example, it is evident that during the presidential election in the United States a Facebook played an important role to manipulate opinion of the general public by spreading false news of a Hillary Clinton. Eventually, she was defeated. In addition, people are flooded with a negative content, which sometimes cause frustration to an individual. To conclude, if it is used in an appropriate way it can serve as a communication platform, news source and medium get and share idea. Other way, it can also go out of control and manipulate the prospective of person. Finally, social media when used properly can give us an amazing power of the technology and vice versa.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world who has
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "access".
an access
to the internet and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
a computer or a smartphone is likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the social networking sites. Out of them the most popular is the Facebook.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that these sites have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on a person
as well
as the society. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
argument.

On one hand, the online network platform enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to connect with each other through the internet. These mediums
also
serves as a major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
source to their users. Apart from that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to understand trends, gossip and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
ongoing around them.
For example
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Facebook as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
source
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it's more convenient than traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
broadcasting system through a television and a newspaper.
Furthermore
, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know what my friends, leaders and the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "celebrities'" or "celebrity's"?
celebrities
activity.
In addition
, it
also
gives us power to
directly
interact with a political leader, actor and author through comments on their posts.

On the other hand
, these mediums bear a major challenge such as spreading of fake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
, sharing of inappropriate contain and manipulation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.
For example
, it is evident that during the presidential election in the United States a Facebook played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to manipulate opinion of the
Consider using "public".
general public
by spreading false
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
of a Hillary Clinton.
Eventually
, she
was defeated
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are flooded
with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
content, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
cause frustration to an individual.

To conclude
, if it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Consider replacing "in an appropriate way" with the adverb for "appropriate"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an appropriate way
it can serve as a communication platform,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
source and medium
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
and share
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Other way, it can
also
go out of control and manipulate the prospective of person.
Finally
, social media when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
properly
can give us an amazing power of the technology and vice versa.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think Governments should take measures regarding the healthy lifestyle of individuals. Others think it must be managed by individuals. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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