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Briefly summarize the problem the students are discussing. Then state which solution you would recommend. Explain the reasons for your recommendation. v.1

Briefly summarize the problem the students are discussing. Then state which solution you would recommend. Explain the reasons for your recommendation. v. 1
In many countries, secondary education system intends to implement a general curriculum which includes a variety of subjects while in other countries, schools have a curriculum narrowed which is carrier-oriented. In my opinion, a wider range of subjects is more suitable and important in modern world. First of all, a wide range of curriculum comes with some benefits. The great advantage of a general curriculum is that children can learn a variety of subjects from which they benefit in their future careers. For example, teaching arts or music improves students’ creativity, and develop decision-making skills and these skills are fundamental requirements of a satisfactory job. In other words, unless arts and music are taught at schools, students would suffer the lack of creativity and would not become good decision makers in the future as adults. Therefore, a wider range of subjects plays an important role in improving their practical skills. Secondly, broaden curricula helps children to choose a right path. How can it help them in this context? A broad range of curriculum provides them with insights about which field is suitable for them as a career choice. For instance, a student, who exposes to a broaden curriculum in school, realizes if he or she shows more interest in social sciences or STEM, and this awareness is entirely important for a successful career. In conclusion, it is a debatable issue whether the curricula are career-oriented or not. In my opinion, a broaden curriculum is useful for students so that they can improve their practical skills such as creativity and decision-making, and choose the most appropriate career path after getting mixed subjects.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, secondary education system intends to implement a general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
which includes a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
while in other countries, schools have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
narrowed which is carrier-oriented. In my opinion, a wider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
range
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
is more suitable and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in modern world.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a wide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
range
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits. The great advantage of a general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
is that children can learn a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
from which they benefit in their future careers.
For example
, teaching arts or music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
creativity, and develop decision-making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are fundamental requirements of a satisfactory job.
In other words
, unless arts and music
are taught
at schools,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would suffer the lack of creativity and would not become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
decision makers in the future as adults.
Therefore
, a wider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
range
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in improving their practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Secondly
, broaden curricula
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
children to choose a right path. How can it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in this context? A broad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
range
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
provides them with insights about which field is suitable for them as a career choice.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, who exposes to
After 'a', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'broaden' is correct. If 'broaden' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
a broaden
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
in school, realizes if he or she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
more interest in social sciences or STEM, and this awareness is
entirely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a successful career.

In conclusion
, it is a debatable issue whether the curricula are career-oriented or not. In my opinion,
After 'a', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'broaden' is correct. If 'broaden' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
a broaden
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
is useful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as creativity and decision-making, and choose the most appropriate career path after getting mixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Briefly summarize the problem the students are discussing. Then state which solution you would recommend. Explain the reasons for your recommendation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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