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Some people think governments should spend less money on arts and invest more in education. How far do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

Some people think governments should spend less money on arts and invest more in education. How far with this opinion? v. 2
Human is the most important element in the wealth of any country. I think it is necessary to invest more budget’s government into schools, educational facilities instead of spending too much money for arts, because once education is developed, other sides of the country, including economy, culture, . . . are also improved. Firstly, development of education facilitates decrease in unemployment ratio of a country through improving labor skills, and therefore national economy grows up. As the result of these factors, national income increases and government can have more budgets for others field, such as culture, arts, healthcare… For instances, employees with high skills can make out more valuation, enterprise and personal income increase, they have to pay more tax for government. Government can uses these money to develop country, brings higher standard-living for citizen like investing on arts. Moreover, investing in education also means investing on arts because many arts subjects are taught in schools. Secondly, building new schools, purchasing educational facilities or supporting for teachers and students in poor rural areas, need a large amount of money. In Vietnam, a lot of students do not have chance to go to school, or they have to stop learning because of tough financial conditions of their family. Besides that, in many undeveloped areas, educational infrastructure is limited, learning resources are incomplete, facilities are too old and need be renewed. Education effects on many others national fields and plays a role important in development of any country. For these reasons above, I agree that governments should spend less money on arts and invest more in education.
Human is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element in the wealth of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is necessary to invest more budget’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
into schools, educational facilities
instead
of spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is developed
, other sides of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, including economy, culture
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
.

Firstly
, development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
facilitates decrease in unemployment ratio of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
through improving labor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and
therefore
national economy grows up. As the result of these factors, national income increases and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can have more budgets for others field, such as culture,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, healthcare… For instances, employees with high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
out more valuation, enterprise and personal income increase, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more tax for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "use"
uses
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, brings higher standard-living for citizen like investing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
Moreover
, investing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
also
means investing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
subjects
are taught
in schools.

Secondly
, building new schools, purchasing educational facilities or supporting for teachers and students in poor rural areas, need a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In Vietnam,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
students do not have chance to go to school, or they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of tough financial conditions of their family.
Besides
that, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
undeveloped areas, educational infrastructure
is limited
, learning resources are incomplete, facilities are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and need
be renewed
.

Education effects on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others national fields and plays a role
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in development of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. For these reasons above, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and invest more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think governments should spend less money on arts and invest more in education. How far with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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