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Some people think children's spending time on TV, video and PC games is good, while others think it is terrible. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think children's spending time on TV, video and PC games is good, while others think it is terrible. v. 1
Nowadays, Technology is everywhere. Consequently, It is having a direct impact over the children's where some people believe that usage time on TV, video and PC Games is right and others not. I agree that spending more time is no good. On the one hand, Utilizing some portion of the day on Technology items such as Television, Computer games, among others was added some advantages to the current children's generation. From the NEWS channels, they can get live updates from all over the globe in a fraction of seconds. Playing the PC games will relieve them from stress from their daily lives, This can be explained in such a way the physically challenged boy, and normal boy can play together with no difference in virtual games. In my view, we could not be able to find the proper parks in and around our surroundings as these Videos give an alternative and relaxation for them. For instance, there is a game called "PUBG", which became more famous in the past few months due to it's a team game must be played with team collaboration to win easier as this helps the child's skills on team building activities. On the other hand, Spending time is not suitable for children's. In detail when they meet-up they mostly discuss TV programmes, Movies or about any computer games. In terms of physical games, we can notice a drastically decreases of involvement of children. In my view, this creates less human interaction in the long run. Moreover, there can be an impact on the ethical values and slowly reduces the fun with the real world. To illustrate further, as per a recent study by a university, the use of spectacles in children's is increased by 40 per cent compared to the last decade. Additionally, this could turn up to unknown new diseases. To conclude, technology is a real boon to us, but that must be kept away from our next generation till they reach a specific age limit or until they reach the mature level of knowledge. However, the advantages and disadvantages must be taught to them to have a big picture of what will be the result and avoid the usage of such a thing at a younger age.
Nowadays, Technology is everywhere.
Consequently
, It is having a direct impact over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that usage time on TV, video and PC
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
is right
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
not. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that spending more time is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.

On the one hand, Utilizing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
portion of the day on Technology items such as Television, Computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, among others was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
generation. From the NEWS channels, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
updates from all over the globe in a fraction of seconds. Playing the PC
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will relieve them from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in such a way the
physically
challenged boy, and normal boy can play together with no difference in virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. In my view, we could not be able to find the proper parks in and around our surroundings as these Videos give an alternative and relaxation for them.
For instance
, there is a game called
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
PUBG
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, which became more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
in the past few months due to
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun)?
it's
a team game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be played
with team collaboration to win easier as this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the child's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
on team building activities.

On the other hand
, Spending time is not suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
. In detail when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
-up they
mostly
discuss TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, Movies or about any computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. In terms of physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, we can notice a
drastically
decreases of involvement of children.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my view, this creates less human interaction in the long run.
Moreover
, there can be an impact on the ethical values and
slowly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the fun with the real world. To illustrate
further
, as per a recent study by a university, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of spectacles in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
is increased
by 40 per cent compared to the last decade.
Additionally
, this could turn up to unknown new diseases.

To conclude
, technology is a real boon to us,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
away from our
next
generation till they reach a specific age limit or until they reach the mature level of knowledge.
However
, the advantages and disadvantages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taught
to them to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
picture of what will be the result and avoid the usage of such a thing at a younger age.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think children's spending time on TV, video and PC games is good, while others think it is terrible. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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