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Some people think that older children should be required to take care of the younger children. Others think that this should be done by parents or other adults. Which do you prefer? v.1

Some people think that older children should be required to take care of the younger children. Others think that this should be done by parents or other adults. Which do you prefer? v. 1
It is true that some people prefer to be self-employed instead of working for a company. While it is true, but still there could be some drawbacks. A lot of people like to be self-employed for some reasons. Firstly, they like to have a flexible schedule, which helps them to do things they need during weekdays. Secondly, they can make more money and pay less taxes. Some business owners have the opportunity to have tax exemptions, especially in their very first years of running the business and they can also offset their own expenses by using company’s vehicles of their personal needs. Finally, it is more suitable for a big family who is having young kids. For example, young kids need a lot of care and attention specifically if they are in preschool and need to be picked up and dropped off to school every day, or have a medical appointment. On the other hand, there are some disadvantages to being self-employed. To begin with, self-employed people need to work long hours, especially if the project just started, which affects family relations. In addition, no medical insurance or paid vacation, compared to employees who don’t afford any charges and get compensated for vacations and holidays. The self-employed person must pay for his medical insurance and does not get compensated for vacations. Also, the owner affords all losses, if the business failed. For example, if the company didn’t succeed because of market or company reasons, the owner would lose all invested funds. In conclusions, however, there are many benefits of being self-employed, there are still more disadvantages that need attention.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer to be self-employed
instead
of working for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. While it is true,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
there could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like to be self-employed for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.
Firstly
, they like to have a flexible schedule, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to do things they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
during weekdays.
Secondly
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money and pay less taxes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
business owners have the opportunity to have tax exemptions,
especially
in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
years of running the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
business and
they can
also
offset their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expenses by using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
vehicles of their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
Finally
, it is more suitable for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
family who is having young kids.
For example
, young kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
care and attention
specifically
if they are in preschool and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
be picked
up and dropped off to school every day, or have a medical appointment.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to being self-employed. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, self-employed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to work long hours,
especially
if the project
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
, which affects family relations.
In addition
, no medical insurance or paid vacation, compared to employees who don’t afford any charges and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
compensated for vacations and holidays. The self-employed person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay for his medical insurance and does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
compensated for vacations.
Also
, the owner affords all losses, if the business failed.
For example
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
didn’t succeed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of market or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
reasons, the owner would lose all invested funds.

In conclusions,
however
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits of being self-employed, there are
still
more disadvantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
attention.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people think that older children should be required to take care of the younger children. Others think that this should be done by parents or other adults. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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