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Some people say uniforms hinder children's personality at school and therefore, it should be banned. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say uniforms hinder children's personality at school and therefore, it should be banned. v. 1
Sports roles have been getting more important in young people's life for almost whole decades, because in sports we can spend our quality time by doing it nor watching it. Obviously, when watching sports like football, basketball, and so on, we often draw our attention to the best athletes on those fields, since they are likely to win sports competition. Then unconsciously, all of our focus will turn to one particular athlete who shows better performance than the others. For instance, as the most favourable sports in the world, football always produced professional athletes who influenced youngster and these young peoples tend to follow their heroes whether it is their style of dressing or their work ethics. Not only that, professional athletes also created a passion for their follower, even they would mourn if their heroes had lost the match. Such enthusiasm can only be created by professional athletes who have big influences. Though, it is good for having idols in sports, but sometimes it gets more indiscernible about how we see our sports figure. Do we keep thinking objectively in regards of their bad performances or we will keep supporting them blindly? However, they have the power to make their followers for supporting them excessively. Moreover, top athletes have huge popularity, so because of that it will affect young peoples to see sport only for gaining popularity. To sum up, I would concede that athletes influences do depend on many factors. Despite many poor influences have been made by them, nevertheless we could not rule out the facts that they have shown a positive attitude through their hard-working ethic. Then, pro-athletes can be a role model for youngster as long as they only follow the positive way.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
roles have been getting more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life for almost whole decades,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
we can spend our quality time by doing it nor watching it.
Obviously
, when watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like football, basketball, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
draw our attention to the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
on those fields, since they are likely to win
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competition. Then
unconsciously
, all of our focus will turn to one particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
better performance than the others.

For instance
, as the most
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the world, football always produced professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
who influenced youngster and these young peoples tend to follow their heroes whether it is their style of dressing or their work ethics. Not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
that, professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
also
created a passion for their follower, even they would mourn if their heroes had lost the match. Such enthusiasm can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
be created
by professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
influences.

Though, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for having idols in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
more indiscernible about how we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
figure. Do we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
thinking
objectively
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
in regards of
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
performances or
we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
supporting them
blindly
?
However
, they have the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their followers for supporting them
excessively
.
Moreover
, top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
have huge popularity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that it will affect young peoples to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
for gaining popularity.

To sum up, I would concede that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
influences do depend on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors. Despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
poor influences have
been made
by them,
nevertheless
we could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
out the facts that they have shown a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude through their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working ethic. Then, pro-athletes can be a role model for youngster as long as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
follow the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say uniforms hinder children's personality at school and therefore, it should be banned. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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