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Some people say the professional workers such as, doctors, nurses and teachers, who make greater contribution to the society, should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. To what extent do you agree and disagree? . v.1

Some people say the professional workers such as, doctors, nurses and teachers, who make greater contribution to the society, should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. . v. 1
It is considered by many people that players and celebrities ought to be paid less than those people who perform a great service for their own countries, such as, doctors, care givers, school teachers. However, I completely disagree with this viewpoint. This essay will discuss that media persons and athletes also play a significant role in developing their respective countries, so they also should be paid like other government employees. Firstly, many players playing at international level bring in foreign currency to their own countries. To some extent, some countries concentrate on sports substantially as athletes bring more currency compared to other sectors. Their contribution is undeniable. Because they help to boost the economy of their countries, they should be treated fairly by their countries. In case of financial advantages, governments ought to pay them like other servants, such as, physicians, tutors and so on. Secondly, media personalities often work as a brand embassador of their respective countries. There are many celebrities who are popular at international level. Although these people contribute to their countries minimally, they introduce their countries upsides to their global fans. As a result, their exotic fans hold a positive perception about their favourite actors' home country. What is more, tourism industry and others sectors get benefitted. For example, Shahrukh Khan is an India movie star who is very popular internationally. He has millions of global fans. Now most or his foreign fans know India because of him and their movie industry. Since he has taken his country at international level, the state should reward him the way other government employees, namely doctors, engineers, get rewarded by the state. To conclude, Both service holders and athletes or media personalities make contribution to their countries equally, so governments should not be partial to any particular group while giving salaries.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that players and celebrities ought to
be paid
less than those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who perform a great service for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, such as, doctors, care givers, school teachers.
However
, I completely disagree with this viewpoint. This essay will discuss that media persons and athletes
also
play a significant role in developing their respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
also
should
be paid
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
employees.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
players playing at international level bring in foreign currency to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
concentrate on sports
substantially
as athletes bring more currency compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors. Their contribution is undeniable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to boost the economy of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, they should
be treated
fairly
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. In case of financial advantages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
ought to pay them like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
servants, such as, physicians, tutors and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

Secondly
, media personalities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
work as a brand
Possible spelling mistake found.
embassador
of their respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
celebrities who are popular at international level. Although these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
contribute to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
minimally
, they introduce their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
upsides to their global fans.
As a result
, their exotic fans hold a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
perception about their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
actors' home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
What is more
, tourism industry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
sectors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitted
.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shahrukh
Khan is an India movie star who is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular
internationally
. He has millions of global fans.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
most or his foreign fans know India
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of him and their movie industry. Since he has taken his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
at international level, the state should reward him the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
employees,
namely
doctors, engineers,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rewarded by the state.

To conclude
, Both service holders and athletes or media personalities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
contribution to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
equally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should not be partial to any particular group while giving salaries.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say the professional workers such as, doctors, nurses and teachers, who make greater contribution to the society, should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. . v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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