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Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. v. 1
There is no doubt that all occupations make respective contributions to the society they belong to. It is a controversy that more reward should be paid depending on their contribution; in this topic, doctors, nurses and teachers deserve to get higher income than sports and entertainment personalities. In my opinion, this phenomenon should not happen. To start with, it is certain that we cannot neglect the significant contributions to society that professional workers made. Specifically, doctors who perform surgeries and encourage every patient to thrive to save their lives are responsible for our health and wellbeing as well as nurses. It means that their contributions to the society is essential with high values. Likewise, teachers also show fundamental dedication to society as they are in charge of education of children who have the potential to change the future. Like the well-known phrase, “children are the future, ” as teachers educate children, they become more closer to bringing prosperity and fruitful changes to the society, which means they are a significant contributor to our society. However, how can we confidently assert that professional workers’ social contributions are superior to sports and entertainment celebrities? Athletes and celebrities are equally important as they show a different aspect of dedication to the world. Many sports stars give hope and motivation to exercise and being healthy. Similarly, entertainment personalities motivate people to act virtue when they’ve done a good deed. People with these occupations show considerable contribution as they provide a heartfelt and positive mindset to civilians. In this sense, the two types of jobs show a different kind of dedication thus we cannot compare the values of them. To sum up, all jobs, whether is is a professional job or a well-known athlete or a superstar are significantly important as they make respective contributions to the society. We should keep in mind the values of each job and respect them without doubting each other.
There is no doubt that all occupations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
they belong to. It is a controversy that more reward should
be paid
depending on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
; in this topic, doctors, nurses and teachers deserve to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher income than sports and entertainment personalities. In my opinion, this phenomenon should not happen.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, it is certain that we cannot neglect the significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
that professional workers made.
Specifically
, doctors who perform surgeries and encourage every patient to thrive to save their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
are responsible for our health and
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
as well
as nurses. It means that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is essential with high values.
Likewise
, teachers
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
fundamental dedication to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as they are in charge of education of children who have the potential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the future. Like the well-known phrase, “children are the future,
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
”
as teachers educate children, they become
Use only "closer" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more closer
to bringing prosperity and fruitful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, which means they are a significant contributor to our society.

However
, how can we
confidently
assert that professional workers’ social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
are superior to sports and entertainment celebrities? Athletes and celebrities are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspect of dedication to the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
sports stars give hope and motivation to exercise and being healthy.
Similarly
, entertainment personalities motivate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to act virtue when they’ve done a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
deed.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
with these occupations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
considerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
as they provide a heartfelt and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
mindset to civilians. In this sense, the two types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of dedication
thus
we cannot compare the values of them.

To sum up, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, whether
Possible typo: you repeated a word
is is
a professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or a well-known athlete or a superstar are
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. We should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in mind the values of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and respect them without doubting each other.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
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IELTS essay Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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