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Some people say the Olympics Games are not relevant in the 21st century. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say the Olympics Games are not relevant in the 21st century. v. 2
Internationally recognized games such as Olympic game has held significant value since time immemorial. It is disagreed that Olympic game is not important in our times. Analysing its role of uniting nations and popularity gained by athletes as well as improving the economy of the host country will prove this. First of all, during Olympic game, countries overlook their differences and participate in games together. For instance, South and North Korea have been involved in war for a long time, but during Olympic game, these two countries come together and engage in healthy competition. Therefore, during these internationally recognized games, nations put away their differences and compete healthily. Secondly, the aim of Olympic game was solely to stop the Second World War. The commencement of these games promoted peace and unity amongst countries that participated in the games. Futhermore, the host country benefits from hosting internationally recognized game. There is an increased growth in business. For instance, Brazil attained a high level of development by hosting Olympic game as well as world cup. Because of this, countries contest to host such big games so as to gain in every sector. Moreover, athletes gain international recognition by participating In Olympics. Athletes representing individual countries are well known once they win a trophy. To illustrate, Chioma Ajunwa who represented Nigeria in race back in 2004 is still a popular athlete all over the world because of her the multiple gold medals she won. In conclusion, I disagree that Olympic game is not inappropriate in this recent times because it has been helped in bringing nations together and also has contributed positively to the host country’s economy and development.
Internationally
recognized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as Olympic game has held significant value since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
immemorial. It
is disagreed
that Olympic game is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
its role of uniting nations and popularity gained by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
as well
as improving the economy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will prove this.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, during Olympic game,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
overlook their differences and participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
together.
For instance
, South and North Korea have
been involved
in war for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
during Olympic game, these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together and engage in healthy competition.
Therefore
, during these
internationally
recognized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, nations put away their differences and compete
healthily
.
Secondly
, the aim of Olympic game was
solely
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the Second World War. The commencement of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
promoted peace and unity amongst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that participated in the games.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Futhermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
benefits from hosting
internationally
recognized game. There is an increased growth in business.
For instance
, Brazil attained a high level of development by hosting Olympic game
as well
as world cup.
Because of this
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
contest to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
host
such
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
gain in every sector.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
gain international recognition by participating In Olympics.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Athletes
representing individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are well known once they win a trophy. To illustrate,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Chioma
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ajunwa
who represented Nigeria in race back in 2004 is
still
a popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete
all over the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her the multiple gold medals she won.

In conclusion
, I disagree that Olympic game is not inappropriate in this recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in bringing nations together and
also
has contributed
positively
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
economy and development.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say the Olympics Games are not relevant in the 21st century. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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