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Professional sports involve large sums of money and receive enormous media coverage. Meanwhile serious culture, including music, art and theatre, is badly neglected. This is making our society shallower. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Professional sports involve large sums of money and receive enormous media coverage. Meanwhile serious culture, including music, art and theatre, is badly neglected. This is making our society shallower. v. 1
Being globalization a main feature of twenty first century mostly all types of cultures are now open across the world to exchange thoughts and invest in sports, art and literature. In my opinion, spending money for professional sports will always result in building a support system in society. Though a balance needs to be maintained in spending money between games and culture as they both are equally significant for the association. There are few occasions where the art, music and literature has been second on the list by the authorities for funding. Lack of financial support from government will not only impact artists and experts, but also discourages younger generations to opt these fields as their career options in future. For instance, learning theater may not be a great selection for someone as a continuous source of income. Hence, government should encourage more talented people and offer happy returns in terms of income stability and consider them as an asset section of society. Those who plays games professionally, on the other hand, has always fall into favorable circumstances as far as funds are concerned. Undoubtably, sports are one thing that grounds public in all categories irrespective of their nationality, age, and gender. And why not, because sports are not only demand health and fitness, but also right state of mental balance which can only be achieved by sportsman through rigorous efforts, discipline and hardship. Consequently, they receive enormous media coverage with best sponsors and huge sum of money in return. Hence, it can be said, how big the sports event is organised, the better chances of socializing can be noticed such as the Olympics, the commonwealth games and the world cup games for football and cricket. In view of the discussions outline above, it can be recapitulated that, professional sports are always considered as the harmonious brick in building stronger human society, we need to to pay more attention towards the cultural events which is often ignored.
Being globalization a main feature of twenty
first
century
mostly
all types of cultures are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
open across the world to exchange thoughts and invest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, art and literature. In my opinion, spending money for professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will always result in building a support system in society. Though a balance needs to
be maintained
in spending money between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and culture as they both are
equally
significant for the association.

There are few occasions where the art, music and literature has been second on the list by the authorities for funding. Lack of financial support from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
impact artists and experts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
discourages younger generations to opt these fields as their career options
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
For instance
, learning theater may not be a great selection for someone as a continuous source of income.
Hence
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should encourage more talented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and offer happy returns in terms of income stability and consider them as an asset section of society.

Those who plays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
professionally
,
on the other hand
, has always
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "fallen".
fall
into favorable circumstances as far as funds
are concerned
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Undoubtably
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are one thing that grounds public in all categories irrespective of their nationality, age, and gender. And why not,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
demand health and fitness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
right state of mental balance which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be achieved
by sportsman through rigorous efforts, discipline and hardship.
Consequently
, they receive enormous media coverage with best sponsors and huge sum of money in return.
Hence
, it can
be said
, how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
is
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
, the better chances of socializing can
be noticed
such as the Olympics, the commonwealth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and the world cup
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for football and cricket.

In view of the discussions outline above, it can
be recapitulated
that, professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are always considered as the harmonious brick in building stronger human society, we need
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
pay more attention towards the cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay Professional sports involve large sums of money and receive enormous media coverage. Meanwhile serious culture, including music, art and theatre, is badly neglected. This is making our society shallower. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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