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Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. v. 1
That Is noticeable watching television affect children's behavior whether related to the program and length of time or not, some people argue that only watching tv can change children’s behavior that is not related to tv program and the amount of time children spend on watching tv. However, I believe that length of time has a more significant influence on behavior of children. On the one hand, watching tv for a long time and when children become over-reliant on television for entertainment have a negative impact on children’ behavior lies in a fact that brings TV addiction for children that is resulting in the physical problem for youngsters. For example, children fall into the habit sedentary lifestyle that is a highly detrimental effect on physical health. In addition, decrease outdoors and physical activities for youngsters, the more significant issue of excessive watching tv impairs social communication abilities of children; besides, they reluctant to be in relation with others in their real life, so children find it hard to play and live with others. Consequently, watching tv in a long time can change the normal behaviour of children and that a have a destructive influence on them. On the other hand, without regard to the length of time that youngster consume to watching TV that have evil impact on them, watching movies and images on television can have a bad effect of children’s behavior. Some countries tv shows glamourized depictions of inappropriate products and behavior such as drug addict and violence; thus, it may adopt unhealthy habits. For instance, youngster by watching violence movies encourage them to have a harsh behavior and children persuade to drink alcohol and use drug is fashionable, without being aware to health risk. In conclusion, although both factors play a vital role to have an effect on children's behavior, but I personally believe watching TV particularly in a long time have a most considerable impact on them. Hence, supervision of parents can avoid youngsters from damage of watching tv in their individual and social life
That Is
noticeable watching television affect children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
whether related to the program and length of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or not,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
that is
not related to
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
program and the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend on watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
.
However
, I believe that length of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has a more significant influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of children.

On the one hand, watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become over-reliant on television for entertainment have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
lies in a fact that brings TV addiction for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that is
resulting in the physical problem for youngsters.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
fall into the habit sedentary lifestyle
that is
a
highly
detrimental effect on physical health.
In addition
, decrease outdoors and physical activities for youngsters, the more significant issue of excessive watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
impairs social communication abilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
;
besides
, they reluctant to be in relation with others in their real life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to play and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with others.
Consequently
, watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
in a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the normal
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and that a have a destructive influence on them.

On the other hand
, without regard to the length of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
consume to watching TV that have evil impact on them, watching movies and images on television can have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
countries
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Possible spelling mistake found.
glamourized
depictions of inappropriate products and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
such as drug addict and violence;
thus
, it may adopt unhealthy habits.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
by watching violence movies encourage them to have a harsh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
persuade
Did you mean "drinking"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'persuade' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to drink
alcohol and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
drug is fashionable, without being aware to health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.

In conclusion
, although both factors play a vital role to have an effect on children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
personally
believe watching TV
particularly
in a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
have a most considerable impact on them.
Hence
, supervision of parents can avoid youngsters from
The usual collocation for word "damage" is "to" not "of." Revise: "damage to".
damage of
watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
in their individual and social life
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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