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Some believe that TV has negatively impacted communication between friends and family. What is your opinion? v.1

Some believe that TV has negatively impacted communication between friends and family. What is your opinion? v. 1
First of all, those who are watching endless videos on the screen, defiantly they don’t have enough time to do physical activities and sports. Some people are sitting on sofas all night and watching videos for several hours that causes to reduce their physical activities and badly impacted on their well- being. Health experts say that watching TV more than three hours a day will have a great bad effect on our health, more ever making us anti-social, fatigue and tired during the day as well as will cause some diseases like diabetes, overweight, obesity, high cholesterol level, high blood pressure, insomnia, and even death. Secondly, watching too much small screen can adversely effect on children's ongoing relationships, to illustrate they see a person on screen that he has a knife in his hand and killing someone, our children may imitate his action and will injure their younger brothers or sisters. it is impacting people's daily lives, social and family relationships, and they do not pay attention to their children's training as well as their daily educational activities. Television viewing frequently limits children’s life for vital activities just as playing, reading, learning to talk, spending moments with peers and family, participating in regular exercise, and developing other necessary physical, mental and social skills In conclusion, with all disadvantages of watching telly that I have just mentioned above, I’m convinced with text that TV has destroyed people's lives, their family and friends' relationships and negatively affected their behaviour. Those people who spend most of their precious hours on watching television, they do not have enough time to interact with their families and friends, which can harm their children's education and their relationships with friends, even having a bad impact on their healthy bodies. I personally believe that telly is a necessity for our lives, but everything has to be used appropriately, in essence anything less is medicine, food is average and the high dose is poisonous even love! Let’s start reading books in place of watching the idiot box.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, those who are watching endless videos on the screen,
defiantly
they don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to do physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and sports.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are sitting on sofas all night and watching videos for several hours that causes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
badly
impacted on their well- being. Health experts say that watching TV more than three hours a day will have a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect on our health, more ever making us anti-social, fatigue and tired during the day
as well
as will cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases like diabetes, overweight, obesity, high cholesterol level, high blood pressure, insomnia, and even death.

Secondly
, watching too much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
screen can
adversely
effect on children's ongoing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
, to illustrate they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a person on screen that he has a knife in his hand and killing someone, our children may imitate his action and will injure their younger brothers or sisters.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is impacting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, social and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
, and they do not pay attention to their children's training
as well
as their daily educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Television viewing
frequently
limits children’s life for vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as playing, reading, learning to talk, spending moments with peers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, participating in regular exercise, and developing other necessary physical, mental and social
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
skills


In conclusion
, with all disadvantages of watching
telly
that I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
mentioned above, I’m convinced with text that TV has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
and
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who spend most of their precious hours on watching television, they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to interact with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and friends, which can harm their children's education and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with friends, even having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on their healthy bodies. I
personally
believe that
telly
is a necessity for our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
everything
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
appropriately
, in essence anything less is medicine, food is average and the high dose is poisonous even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
!
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
reading books in place of watching the idiot box.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some believe that TV has negatively impacted communication between friends and family. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
338 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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